Wherein I combine three of my favorite things...

... Stitching, Serial Killers, and Bacon.

It rubs the lotion (on its skin).

Do you know how hard it is to sew with bacon? Answer: very. Those little blobs are supposed to be ellipses. They are made out of mayonnaise. Not lotion. And the adorable stitched border is black licorice. Yummm. Oh, and the whole thing is on an uncooked tortilla. I tried to stitch this on a big ham steak, but it didn't work. I feel as if I failed you. 

Okay, so why the hell did I do this? Because there is this Craft Community called Craftster and they have these rad monthly challenges. The upcoming one is titled 'Play With Your Food' and basically, yeah, you make something with food. Since I stitch, I thought I would try this. Let's just say that in my head it looked WAY COOLER. But oh well. At least my kids had a tasty lunch!

Come and get it!

Mr. Floozy's MQF: or College! The best three weeks of my life!

Spaceballs. Is funny. In small doses. But very very quotable to Mr. Floozy.

So I made this last night. And it just looked funny to me. Not funny-har-har. But funny-wrong. I held it up to Mr. Floozy and said, "Tell me that I spelled this right." He looked at me blankly for a second and then deadpanned, "Sure, if you meant 'LudRicous.'" I kan spel so gud.

 

Someone help me understand this.

Today is 'Geek Pride Day.' This is just an excuse for geeks to feel okay about living in the basement. I am less of a geek and more a nerd. Or maybe it's a dork. Whatevs.

Despite my quasi-geek status, I am taking part in this thing called the 'Open Source Embroidery Project.  Someone go read that, de-Spock it and report back to me. Explain it to me as if I was a  kindergartner. You know. Layman's terms. And then tell me what 'layman's terms' means, because that phrase also does not make sense.

Basically, a bunch of stitchers from arooouund the worrrrld take a phrase from the 'Digital Commons' (clueless!) and stitch it on a piece of fabric. Mine is, 'The facility to log on.' And just between you and me, that is like almost the very beginning of the project. Like, the second sentence. Or maybe it even counts as the first sentence since it follows a colon. I was told that this coveted slot was reserved for me, The Cotton Floozy, aka The Chosen One.

The cute rainbow-y colors distract me from the fact that I have no idea what this means.

 

New Puppy! cuz my life wasn't complicated enough.

Yes. I know. You cannot believe how stoopid I am. To get another pet? But look at this face.

Accio adorable!

His name is 'Weasley,' so now he and Granger can be a matched set. He is a shih tzu. Or as Annie would say, 'a shit sue.' How long did it take me to crochet him a sweater? Not long.

Pet humiliation!

Granger offers heartfelt sympathy to Weasley for being dressed as a human.

For those who don't get all of my Harry Potter references, you are dead to me.

mr. floozy's movie quote friday: now with free answers!

Who hasn't seen Better Off Dead? Sad people. That is who. Oh. And my children. Better remedy that. Unless the whole fun-with-suicide theme isn't suitable for kids. Huh. On second thought....

And hey, guys? You owe me money.

PINCUSHION SMACKDOWN!

MEET THE OPPONENTS!

Flower "The Flower" Silva!

You will submit to my cuteness!

VS (click 'read more' for the jump!)

 

A Very Important Message from A Serious Clown

 I don't think that anything I have made so far is as revelatory to who I am as much as this embroidery piece. This clown? basically sums up the last few months of my life.

The more you know!

You look so peaceful when you're sleeping.

And yes, that is a trippy picture of a clown. How did I find it? Why, from this website. Here is a screenshot.

Triumphal Entry Into Jerusalem now with more Clowns!

I think this might be my new favorite website. Ever.

More Bacon and Exciting News!

And by exciting, I mean scintillating. Naturally. As a few of you know, I belong to a local Stitch & Bitch group. Where we get together and stibitch. (Yeah, it's a word.) Well! We are starting our own collaborative blog where you will see the wide range of our crafty viewpoints. We have the ladies who sew adorable aprons and ladies who dabble in graphic design and even a lady who sews capes and historical clothing and another lady who showcases obscene crafts. I know! All in Utah County! Your mind! Is it blown? And then there is of course the Archetypal Mother Figure of SnB, founder and Type A personality, Yvette, who specializes in geek stitchery. Our group blog will be named (drumroll) HAPPY VALLEY CRAFTERS. It's still a work in progress and we're still in the Dream Big!-phase, but I will let you know as soon as our site goes live. It will be very exciting. I mean scintillating. And just to whet your appetite for the awesomesauce that is coming your way, check out Yvette's bacony cross-stitch from her flickr. Is genius.

MR. FLOOZY'S MOVIE QUOTE FRIDAY: late night edition!

This is a Mr. Floozy movie favorite. He is obsessed and even owns a bobble head of the main character. Admittedly, it is one of my favorites too, as verified by my facebook info page. Gospel truth.

Oh Bacon Tree!

Whilst traveling through an enchanted forest, you might stumble upon this: a bacon tree.

Behold! The fruit of the Bacon Tree!

Plucking the bacon

If the bacon is ripe and crisp, be gentle when plucking it from the branch. It will break into a million glorious bits if you grab it too firmly. If the bacon is unripe and flaccid, go ahead and pick it anyway. You can take it home with you and finish the ripening process there. Simply place it in your frying pan and cook it until preferred crispness. The fruit of the bacon tree is delicious and is known worldwide for its flavor, which many describe as "bacony." The grease left over from cooking the bacon is also very useful. For example, it makes an excellent hand cream.

Even if you have the hand of a fat fourteen-year-old girl, the bacon grease is an excellent moisturizer.

The bacon grease is also tasty! In olden times they used to add it to pie crusts and possum stews, but nowadays, many of our sophisticated cuisine also pairs well with the "bacony" nuances of bacon grease. 

For the cultivated palate

Ah, the Bacon Tree! you give us sweet sweet bacon.

 

Lord Chief Justice Camel introduces his BFF

Yes. Hello. I am Lord Chief Justice of the Queen's Bench. And under this gorgeous hat (which will soon be a present for Mistress Floozy's friend) is my BFF. He is also a lord.

But first, check out my camel toes.

Here he is. My BFF. Darth, Lord of the Sith and Crochet Flowered Hats

Which do you want to do first, Darth? Go play on the swings at the park? or go hang out at the food court at the mall?

Ctholly: The Love Child of Cthulhu and Holly Hobbie

First, as an introduction to this classic tale of beauty and the beast, I would like to share with you an excerpt from my screenplay, 'Forbidden Lust."

Holly Hobbie: I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.

Cthulhu: Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.

Holly Hobbie: I’d rather die than be with anyone but you.

Cthulhu: Y’ai ‘ng’ngah, Yog-Sohoth.

Holly Hobbie. I love you. You . . . you complete me.

Cthulhu: Aye, cngengah. F’ai throdog UAAAH!

FIN

At the end of my screenplay, after countless obstacles and ridiculous misunderstandings, our two lovelorn characters finally get together, and um, make a baby.

THIS

+

THIS

=

THIS: The Love Child, Ctholly

Ctholly's favorite hobby: licking kittens.

Cringey clip --Followup on Movie Quote Friday.

Mr. Floozy pointed out this youtube video clip. You should watch it and then all will be revealed.

TAAAAYYY INNA WIN!

Don't worry if you don't get this -- Mr. Floozy's Friday Movie Quote

So one of my favorite memories is of Mr. Floozy swaying his arms wide and saying, 'Tay ina win. Tay bowin in da weeeeen." He was hilarious. Problem is, after I finished stitching this, he informed me that he had never seen the movie or quoted this. Uh. Okay. So it was someone else? My little brother? A friend? A mime? (Who can speak?) I DON'T KNOW.

tay ina win

Crochet flower barrettes as modeled by creepy doll, coconut bank monkey, and Coke Zero.

My nieces have requested crocheted flower barrettes. Or rather their mother did. Same thing. So before I shipped them off I did a photo shoot. Remember the Creepy Doll?

She modeled these cute hair accessories for me.

I look much less creepy without the zombie eye mask and the bonnet.

My head is adorned with adorable.

Ut oh. Now I don't look creepy, but rather vulnerable and in need of a grape popsicle for cheering up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I hired a few other models.

I have never felt so beautiful.

This blue barrette holds my hair in place while I run free like a gazelle.

I cannot believe we're both Pisces!

 

"Still Life Ginger Coke With Bonnet and Superfluous Doiley"

Awesomesauce

What is with this word? And why do I like it so much? Also, is it one word, or two words? Oh. It's one word. Why? Because that is how I stitched it. Debate over.

And hey! Isn't your mom awesomesauce? If you order today on my Etsy you can still get free shipping with the MOMSDAY coupon code. If you live locally (Utah), it should get there on time. If you live somewhere cool, it might be a little late, but hey, your mom will forgive you once you tell her she's awesomesauce.

Followup on 'I WANT THAT' embroidery piece

Here is Loria. My fabulous friend and actor who makes the famous statement 'I want that,' in Napoleon Dynamite. I gave this to her, she graciously took this picture, and then she tossed the sampler aside and demanded her own trailer and a six-pack of sugar-free Monster energy drinks. Actors!