Friday, July 29, 2011

MQF! MQF! MQF! There is a glitch in the matrix.

I can do lots of things. Wiggle my pinky toe, sleep with my eyelids partly open, embarrass my children with a single dance move, but I can't bend a spoon. Mr. Floozy can! He can also open pickle jars.
there is no spoon.
 

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

I've seen 'Drag Me to Hell' so I know a Gypsy Curse is pretty bad.

Luggage tags! For your suitcases, backpacks, MacGuffin briefcases, and children!
if you harm my stuff i will GYPSY CURSE you!
They are so pretty. And dangerous.

The 'backside.' Where you put your info, just in case whoever robbed you also wants to steal your television.

Monday, July 25, 2011

This time I really REALLY fixed it. Really.

FIXED!

I fixed it!

UPDATE: It's "telEgram." People, this is why you shouldn't do drugs. (Ahem, lortab from surgery, ahem.)

Remember last Friday's movie quote that made your eyes seizure? Well, I fixed it! It's fixed, right? TELL ME I FIXED IT.
WARNING: May cause hallucinations, blindness, or spontaneous singing.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Mini Floozy's Movie Quote Friday!

   As you all know, since I overshared personal information, I recently had a surgery. One of my friends watched my kids for a couple of days. She was appalled that they had never seen the movie Clue or played the game. I admit to complete parental failure on account of the movie, but not for the game. See, we played the 'Jr.' version of Clue called 'Who Ate The Cake.' A game supposedly safe for children since it doesn't have a murder. But it does have a criminal who dares to eat all the cake. CAKICIDE. Dun dun dun!
   My kids loved both the game and the movie, and my dear friend let the kids borrow her precious dvd. It has been on approximately fifty trillion times since then. My youngest daughter has also been on repeat, singing over and over and over again, 'I am your singing telegram... BANG!'
I am your singing telegram . . . BANG!!
   Oh what? You can't read it? It's too hard to read the writing against the dark, design-y fabric? It sort of looks like one of those headache-inducing optical illusions, the kind that if you stare at long enough you suddenly see a picture of a pterodactyl. Yes. You are right. This one is a SAMPLER FAIL. BANG! ** falls down dead*

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Supah Deluxe Number One Bathroom Birdie

I was commissioned recently to make another Bathroom Birdie. Not just any bird, but an OWL, and not just any size but a big "12 hoop sampler. 
That's one big owl!
I am a pretty pretty bird.
Night-blossoming button fruits with autumnal leaves
The Owl does not lie.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

your heads are full of poo

I guess my fascination with embroidering the word 'poo' first started with this pillow I made for my friend, Holly, a few years ago. You see, her adorable, verbally precocious daughter once yelled to her parents, 'your heads are full of poo and it is falling out of  your ears!' To celebrate her toddler daughter's talent for insults, I made this:
Notice how the flower petals falling represent the second half of Daphne's insult.
It was well-received by the parents, but not so much by the daughter. I would have expected nothing less. I'm all about creating tender moments and beautiful family heirlooms.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Why I am So Late . . . .

. . . . about everything, including my period. NO! I am not pregnant. In fact, I am the opposite. A man? Wait. No, not that either. Let's just say that I had a little surgery. Crap. I'm making this worse. Here is a hint: 
I have a FACE.
My friend bought me this adorable plushy. Yeah, it's a uterus. She got it for me to replace my old one. It's gone, people! Hysterical-ectomy! I'm not sure if this makes me an old woman or a man or both, but what I do know is that I am extremely allergic to percocet and that I haven't been able to craft much. And today is 'spose to be Mr. Floozy's Movie Quote Friday. I know! If I were to stitch a quote for today, it would be this one (perfect for my guest bathroom!) that Mr. Floozy always quotes from Summer School
 This menstruation thing? It's a scam! Women are so lucky!

Monday, July 11, 2011

Gothasol: a tutorial. kinda.

It is summer time. And I am a vampire. Well, vampiric. I'm not really into the blood-sucking thing and I think that's a requisite. Soooo, I took this medicine a couple of years ago, and the doc was like, it may cause yadarashyadasunyada. So now basically when I go out into the sun, I get a rash. It even has a name: polymorphous light eruption. I don't have it as badly as I used to. I no longer start to sizzle as soon as I step out of the shade. BUT, I am still not a real big fan of the daystar sun. I would totally unfriend it if we were on facebook together. 
I could be trendily romantic and walk around with a parasol while genteelly touring my country estate, but nah. I think that a gothasol is much more subtle. 
Hopefully by now you have figured out that gothasol is a portmanteau of the words "goth" and "lonely."
Hold onto your decorative chainmail, goth peeps, cuz I'm going to show you how to make your very own GOTHASOL.
First. Buy an umbrella. A black umbrella, duh.
Cheap black umbrella
Next, get together a bunch of black crafty crap.
Yes, I have multiple junk drawers.
I am now assuming that you are an AMERICAN and own a glue gun. It's like the second amendment, yo. Glue gun the trim around the perimeter of the umbrella. 
Free Hint: measure out your trim before you apply.
Okay. I totally ran out of trim mid-umbrella. But I'm a problem solver. So I added this:
It's like some gauzy material covered with a layer of lace which is covered with some silver studded stuff.
Done! Your gothasol is a work of art. Make sure you take it with you every time you go outside in public. 

The Daystar wants to kill me.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

USED UP

Apparently, there is an online match-making website called OkCupid. And apparently, one of the options for body type is 'used up.' 


Excuse me while I laugh creepily for five minutes.


Okay. All better. If ever in the far, far distant future I am on the market (don't get too excited Mr. Floozy), I really hope this website exists so that I can check that box. Meanwhile, I have this.

Hang me on your doorknob!

used up
These won't be available on my Etsy store for awhile, but I will be selling them at Craft Lake City.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Mama Floozy's Movie Quote Friday -- O Brother, Where Art Thou?

Today's movie quote comes from my super lovely mother. She likes a lot of weird movies. 'Finian's Rainbow,' anyone? Luckily, when I asked her what her favorite movie was, she answered with 'O Brother, Where Art Thou.' A classic! And teeming with worthy quotes. This is perhaps one of the best. A family favorite. Good for all occasions. Use it on your English teacher next time she asks you why you didn't finish your book report. She will love you for you impeccable grammar and your knowledge of transmogrification.

Make sure you drawl this out slowly and dopily.