Monday, December 31, 2012

Les Weenie Boats

How was your Christmas break? Was it as luxuriously lazy as mine? I know that I should be writing that post I have planned -- the one that looks back on all of the crazy crap of 2012, but I will save that for later. INSTEAD, I have decided to give you the secret family recipe to WEENIE BOATS.

Let us begin. Gather your ingredients: 

4 (or 3) hot dogs
yellow mustard
1 cup mashed potatoes
2 slices of cheese, cut in half, thus making 4 slices. MATH.

Preheat your oven to 375degrees.


Schmancy Premium Beef Franks


Cut your weenies in half, lengthwise.


I should have been a surgeon.


Place weenies on baking sheet, cut-side up. Artistically drizzle the fine yellow mustard over les dogs.


Don't spill the yellow mustard on your expensive silk blouse. It stains.


Mashed potatoes. They don't mean anything, but they are important!

Purchased from Les Costco.

Spoon (or fork) the mashed potatoes on top of the boat-like wieners.

Mashed potatoes on hot dogs, guys!!! 
Place the cheese on top of your magnificent culinary creations.

I do not understand why Mr. Floozy doesn't let me cook more often.

Bake for 10-12 minutes.

Le magnifique!

Enjoy! 

May your new year be full of joy and Weenie Boats!

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

211 F-Bombs

I read J. K. Rowling's 'novel for grownups' when it came out in September. And man! That was some book. I haven't stopped thinking about The Casual Vacancy since then. I really loved it, but I wouldn't recommend it to everyone. My mom, for instance. My mom who crazy-loves Harry Potter would probably hate it. And maybe that has something to do with the TWO HUNDRED AND ELEVEN F-words. (Thank you, Kindle,  for giving me the exact number when I searched.) Oh, and the sex and the abuse and the drugs and the SEX. If you do decide to read this book, you are going to need a lot of chocolate because The Casual Vacancy is one long dementor's kiss.





Again, let me restate that I loved this book. Even though it had some extremely depressing moments. There are no perfect characters. This is the real Fifty Shades of Grey. No one in this book is either fully black or white. Okay, maybe some of them are 100% certifiably awful. But even the characters in the book that were likable, were not perfect. Far from it. My favorite character was the town slut, teenager Krystal Weedon. She was plucky and brave and ever-striving to make things better for her life and her family despite her situation. I heart Krystal Weedon! Probably a good third of those f-bombs came from Krystal Weedon's plucky, dirty mouth. I think it would be funny to stitch Krystal's version of a wizard swear. Some day. When I am in the mood to embroider so much NSFW hilarity, I will let Krystal fill in the bleeps of the Elder Swear.





In my opinion, The Casual Vacancy is one big Eff You! to all of the Potterheads who didn't get the underlying themes of classism and bigotry in the Harry Potter books. J. K. Rowling makes her politics perfectly clear in The Casual Vacancy. She is a flaming liberal. (Yay!) 


Like I said, this book is not for everyone. The easiest way for you to know if you would like this book or not is to ask yourself how much it bothered you when Rowling said that  Dumbledore was gay. If it bugged you a lot, skip this book. If you thought that a gay wizard was super fab, read this book.


I love you J. K. Rowling. And I think that if Harry Potter had to take on Krystal Weedon, she would kick his ass.



Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Jingle Bells, Batman Smells a GIVEAWAY!

UPDATE: May I introduce you to the winner!


Connie Labby
So much Christmookah and Festivus joy!!! Random acts of errant kindness and you'll shoot your eye out, kid.


So heya, Connie, could you please email me your address so that I can mail this to you?


Thanks to everybody who participated!




My heart grew three sizes yesterday, so I have decided to do a...

GIVEAWAY!


Well, this year I made another one. And it is even cooler because it could be hanging on your very own wall. Or you could win it and give it as a present to your favorite funny aunt. Whatever you want. Within reason. No, I will not fly to Neil Gaiman's house and knock on the door wearing a mistletoe hat to give him this. Except that, yeah, I would totally do that.

Deck the harrs
with boughs of horry
fa ra ra ra ra
ra ra ra ra.


How do you enter? Two ways. You can comment here on this blog post. Maybe wish me a merry christmukkah or whatever you celebrate this season. Solstice! Festivus! Dexter-Season-Finalevus!

Or you can earn double entry (being entered twice!(which is twice as awesome!)) and like me on Facebook here:


I know. I know. This is so lame of me. But I am trying to phase out posting on my own personal FB page the links to my floozy stuff and just have it posted on my Cotton Floozy page. This is actually an effort for me to be less annoying, not more, I promise. I mostly promise. Also, Mr. Floozy left Facebook and that dropped my number by one 'like' which really bugs me. 

Did I ever tell you how pretty you are?

What I will never do is tell you to follow me on Twitter. I super suck at Twitter. I am on it for the sole purpose of following funny people. And to stalk Neil Gaiman.

Okay, so if I have not made your heart shrink three sizes with this post about love and the holidays and free shiz, go ahead and comment! Or 'like' me on Facebook. OR to win ten thousand bonus entries, buy me a new snowblower. Ours is death-rattley.

This contest closes in TWO DAYS. On December 13th Thursday on the twelfth stroke of midnight. And then I will ship it out on the next day, IF you return to visit, to check if you won so you can give me your shipping address. If you don't let me know in time, I will randomly draw another person. Because there is a time crunch here, people. Christmas is nigh! 

Fah Who Foraze, Enter my Giveaway, Dah Who Doraze! 

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Louis CK does not suck.

Today's blog post is less of a post and more of a picture of a Louis CK-inspired embroidery that I made.

Louie? I think you are the funniest. And if your 12-year-old-agent-in-a-suit okays it, I would like to send you this:



"...sticking out like baguettes..."-Louis CK


Totally an innocent bag of baguettes.

Monday, December 3, 2012

I am deeply concerned about your health.




You know how I am able to see the search phrases that people have googled that have brought them to my site, right? Most people find my site by innocent searches such as 'The Cotton Floozy' and 'crochet bikini,' but occasionally there are a few that truly alarm me. For instance, I recently had someone google 'Why does my poop have cotton?' And thanks to Google, they ended up at my site. Dear Person Who Googled This, please seek medical help immediately! I don't think that pooping cotton is normal!

And in case now you are completely freaked out by this knowledge that I can cast my all-seeing Blogger-eye and know where you are from, how long you stay on my site, and what search phrase brought you here, FEAR NOT. I am much too lazy to go to deeply into the bowels (is pun, yeah?) of my analytics data. Plus, it really does feel invasive, and I respect your privacy to browse my site howsoever you desire.

And dude or dudette with the mysterious pooping condition, GO TO THE HOSPITAL.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Pay attention, Ms. Cruella Deville



My house is brimming over with blankets. Like, if we were suddenly thrown into a live-broadcast of a Blanket-Fort-Building competition, we would totally win. Not because we have so many blankets, but because we are one/twenty-thousandth dwarf. And everybody knows, dwarves can build anything with a little bit of know-how and beard-grease. 


I took a photo of
the quilt on my son's bed,
because his room is eerily neat,
 but not 'Dexter' neat, thank glob.

My mom is the main supplier of our blankets. The majority of those blankets being quilts. Beautiful, beautiful quilts. My mom made me this quilt earlier this year for my birthday. While she had cancer! She is all sorts of amazing, my mom.

Right now I have restless-leg-syndrome-paddled away all of the other blankets on my bed except for this one. See how one side is a beautiful, snazzy quilt? 




And the other side is MINKY. 




'Minky' is the softest substance known to man. Some may tell you that 'minky' fleece is made out of 100% polyester. These are the same people that will you tell you that dwarves are not real. Do not believe them. Believe me when I tell you that 'minky' is made from the harvested fur of the bastard pups of Falkor and Snuggle the Fabric Softener Bear.


'I am thoroughly disgusted by your
lewd implications of inter-imaginary-animal-breeding.' 

Weasley Brian, Esquire

Friday, November 16, 2012

TOTAL LOSER

Am I the only one behind in pretty much everything? Laundry, embroidery, dishes, de-cluttering, eyebrow grooming, so many many things? Lately, I have been prefacing every almost-commitment with, 'When I get my shit together . . .' And no, I do not consider the sh-word a swear. Shit is a fact of life. You take the good. You take the bad. You take them both and there you have the facts of shit. (Sorry, Mrs. Garrett!) 

Will there ever be a day when I remember where I parked my car in the parking lot? Or when I will be able to open up one of those accursed plastic produce bags at the grocery store without going into carpal tunnel shock? Will I just once -- just once -- choose the fast line and not the slooooowest line at the grocery store? You know the line. The one where everybody is standing over a vent blowing carbon monoxide, slowly swaying to Muzak, right before the poor cashier is attacked by a woman who wants everything she bought double-checked because she was absolutely positive that the sign said, 'For you, madame, the price will be negative dollars!'

To cheer myself up, I made this:




At losing I am a TOTAL WINNER. 





Tuesday, November 13, 2012

CAFFERAPIST


Now that I work at Java Junkies (you should visit me), I have found my true calling. No, it isn't being an aging, maternally-hip barista. I am a Cafferapist. Please do not pronounce the last two syllables as 'rapist.' I don't want to run into the same problem as Tobias F√ľnke when I print up my business cards. Cafferapist is pronounced, 'Caf-air-uh-pist.' 

The reason that I am such a great Cafferapist is not because I am an awesome barista. I'm getting better, sure. But the Bestest Barista in all the land is Brad, the dude that works the morning shift before me. He has serious cappuccino skillz. Also, he is in a band, but we'll get to that part later.

No, the reason that I am a great Cafferapist is because of my uncanny ability to elicit full confessions from complete strangers. This has been my Super Special Oprah Power since forever. Every time I check out in a grocery store or wait in line somewhere or help an old guy find his wife some nice Hanes sweatpants at Target -- people tell me things. Horrible things, wonderful things, powerful things. People tell me about their illnesses or their spouses cheating on them or their childhood stories of abuse. And I listen. And I don't make fun of them later, because you know what? I can't do much in this life, but the one damn thing I can do is listen. If you tell me your story, I will treat it with respect. If no one else wants to listen to your harrowing childbirth story, hey, call me up. (Or rather email me. Or better yet, visit me at my coffee shack!) Your stories are real. And important. I will always be willing to lend you my freakishly cartilaginous unbendy ears. And now that I am at Java Junkies, I will make you a nice warm latte or hot chocolate while you talk to me. I think you are amazing.

So this is the apron I embroidered as modeled by my adorable daughter.

CAFFEINE THERAPIST

I have to give Brad the Barista credit for this idea. He told me that I should stitch 'Caffeine Therapist' on our aprons. (I will make yours this weekend, Brad!) And now, speaking of Brad -- whom I totally 'mom' whenever I get the chance....


If you are cool you will come to this on Saturday.
Brad has a band called Tri-Polar Bear! They are crazy awesome. And moi and The Happy Valley Crafters would like to support him. Brad's band is playing this Saturday night in Provo -- the epicenter of happiness in the valley. Would you please pretty please join us? Here is my event page. And here is Brad's. Go ahead and sign up on both. Is fun. The first three people who sign up on my event page will win a free 'FLOOZY SAY RELAX' t-shirt. 

Plus, there will be stickers at the CD release concert. STICKERS. 


Brad would like you to not think about the HUMAN CENTIPEDE while looking at his free stickers. But, as for me . . . MUST. NOT. CUT. AND REASSEMBLE.

I hope to see you Saturday Night, guys! 

The Flooze

Monday, November 5, 2012

Stitching Instructions, Floozy-Style



As a few of you know, I recently had a MED CRASH in September. A huge reason was because of my head injury. Another reason was that my current medications just stopped working. Stopped. Working. Dead. Dead dead. Which is another way of saying that I went full-blown Crazypants (a medical condition.) The biggest concern I had about going Crazypants was that I would not be able to host my Craft Lake City Workshop. Fortunately, with the help of a great doctor and new medications, I was able to do it! Hurrah! 

Here is a very nice writeup about it here you go, HERE.

Also, watch this video. Yes, I am a huge dork, but the new and better me accepts my adorkableness with only minimal cringing.


 


For those of you who did not come to my workshop because either A: you live far away, or B: you hate me -- here is the handout I gave out at my workshop to teach anyone and everyone how to stitch.


Behold:


The Cotton Floozy’s Handy Dandy 
Guide to Life and Stitching 
But Mostly Stitching.

STEP ONE: Turn on a good television show such as Game of Thrones or Hoarders and sit down.

STEP TWO: Thread your needle. Tie a knot at the end.

STEP THREE: Assemble your hoop which includes: wooden embroidery hoop, quilt batting, and fabric. Save the felt for later. Or cut it into a circle and wear it as a yarmulke.

STEP FOUR: Draw your design or words onto your fabric with a disappearing ink pen, a water-soluble pen, or an iron-away pen. Do not prick your finger and use your own blood. That is gross.

STEP FIVE: Pierce the fabric with your threaded needle. Approach from your hoop’s throbbing undercarriage. Stop reading all those stupid vampire novels that make you use words like ‘pierce’ and ‘throb.’

STEP SIX: Carry on, ye beginner stitcher, with the Back Stitch. It may not be fancy, but a fine stitch she be, yargh.

STEP SEVEN: Pause the television show and get a beverage. It is important to stay hydrated while stitching.

STEP EIGHT: Finish stitching. Unless you have more important things to do than embroidery. Which is totally bogus, because there is nothing more important than subversive embroidery.

STEP NINE: Preheat your glue gun. If you do not own a glue gun, that means you have a life. Congratulations.

STEP TEN: Tighten the hoop as much as super-humanly possible. Trim only the batting down to the edge of the hoop, much as my daughter chews her fingernails down to the quick. Question: What is a ‘quick?’

STEP ELEVEN: Trim fabric, being careful to leave a margin of one - two inches or so.

STEP TWELVE: Take the fabric edge and glue it tightly down to the undercarriage of the hoop. Ask the hoop’s father for permission to marriage.

STEP THIRTEEN: . . . is an unlucky number.

STEP FOURTEEN: Glue a piece of stiffened felt or ‘E-Z Felt’ (as the French call it) to the back of your hoop. Trim away the excess. Now you have a glorious finished product. Go forth and share it with the world.





Wednesday, October 31, 2012

THE INVISIBLE PEDESTRIAN


Remember Saturday Night Live in the good 'ol days? Remember Jack Handy?


      

“If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.”



Yesterday I finished embroidering that Jack Handy quote up thar and gave it to my friend, Jack. 

Here is another one of my favorites: 


"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad." --Jack Handy


Speaking of SNL . . .I went to a Halloween party 
over the weekend and nobody got what my costume was.

I was The Invisible Pedestrian! I had to take my costume out on the street to demonstrate. 

See? INVISIBLE.

Please don't run over me with your car.
No one remembers this classic skit from Saturday Night Live? Where Dan Aykroyd plays a sleazy toy salesman who makes unsafe toys for children including 'Johnny Human Torch' which was an outfit made of oily rags and a bic lighter.

Here's an excerpt from the skit about The Invisible Pedestrian:

Joan Face: Alright, Mr. Mainway, if you don't think that was unsafe, how about this Halloween costume, which you market under the label "Invisible Pedestrian"? [ holds up the costume ] It's an all black suit, gloves and mask. Now, it seems to me, Mr. Mainway, a child wearing this costume at night to go trick-or-treating is in grave danger of being hit by a car!

Irwin Mainway: Car? What do you mean "car", Miss Face? I mean, a car is a pretty big object, right? I mean, kids are smart today, you know? They know when a car is coming at 'em to jump out of the way. I mean, most of the kids I know go trick-or-treating at houses, right? You don't see too many kids walking along the expressway knocking on windshields looking for treats. This is a "sidewalk" costume!

Joan Face: A "sidewalk" costume?

Irwin Mainway: Yeah! I mean, you know, we don't recommend this for blind kids. See, there's a warning right on the label - "Invisible Pedestrian, Not For Blind Kids." [ turns packaging around to show this warning in big bold letters ] Huh?


FUNNY STUFF.

Okay, I am headed out the door now to my job. I will not be The Invisible Pedestrian. Rather I will be Bob Marley wearing a Ghostbusters shirt. It works.

Sorry about the formatting weirdness. Sometime I will switch from Blogger because it makes my veins throb.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN?

What is your favorite SNL skit? What is your favorite Jack Handy quote?

Thursday, October 25, 2012

FLOOSIE ON THE RUN


How dope is that book cover? How dope is it that I just used the word 'dope' for my very first time. 




This book is a treasure trove of awesome. A TROVE. The word 'trove' makes no sense without the 'treasure' part. 

Here are some of my favorites:


Lady Butler makes Sexy Robot Butler jealous.
Um, ouch?
I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE! I SPIT ON IT!
That's one sexy rat. 
Red Headed Wench.
How I wish
this was called,
 'Ginger Wench.'

Friday, October 19, 2012

Inspirational Words

Today I want you to draw a special, warm, bubbly bath in your mind and look at this hand-painted wooden board that I made with love and tenderness and soft soft baby-butt feelings.

Inspirational Words

I plan on writing up a Floozy Finds over on Happy Valley Crafters this weekend about all of those lovely Wooden Boards with Meaningless Words that I see all over Utah County. Until then, feast your eyes on this:



These are photos of me last October wearing my Little Lady Lingerie that I bought at The Quilted Bear in Provo. Best. Creepy. Halloween. Costume. Ever Amen.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

BINDERS FULL OF WOMEN

BINDERS FULL OF WOMEN


I made this for my gal pal, Joanna Brooks. Even though she was recently on The Daily Show and has never gotten back to me about which Campbell's® soup Jon Stewart most closely resembles. Assuming that she licked his forehead. You did, right, Joanna? Duh, of course you did. His forehead tastes like Campbell's® kosher Vegetarian Vegetable soup, I bet.

I have been watching the debates. In my head. From all of my friends' Facebook statuses. Which I am totally sure counts. I was glad to hear that Ritt Momney has a Binder Full of Women, because, HEY! I do, too.

Truly my favorite part of last night's debate, though, was when Ritt Momney and Obamarama circled each other for a few agonizing minutes and then made out. HOTT.

The VP debate was also entertaining. It was inspirational to see how far Screech from Saved By the Bell has come since graduating from Bayside High School.


Screech


Screech all growed up.


Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Just say, 'No! ArrRrgeaugh!' to Haunted Houses!

So totally not Mom-Aprroved.

A few weekends ago we went to Frightmares at Lagoon -- a local carny/amusement park that gets all Halloweened out in October. It was really fun except that I was relentlessly mocked and pressured because of my refusal to go near anything scary,which included roller-coasters, haunted houses, and the bathroom next to the Arby's. Every time I saw a ride that looked Mom-Approved, I said, 'Hey! Let's go on that nice, slow roller coaster!' And now I have the name of my Mom Band -- Slow Roller Coaster! Who's in? 

Lagoon has about three or four Not-Mom-Approved haunted houses. Only Mr. Floozy and Boy Floozy were willing to go through them. Despite my love for scary, zombie-filled urban fantasy fiction, I refuse to go into a haunted house. Or rather, the only way that I would go on a haunted house is if this happened:




The things I would need:

1. A Kiddie Wagon to be pulled by a trustworthy person who has been vetted by The International Nanny Association.

2. Pope-Mobile Glass to protect me.

3. Noise-cancelling headphones.

4. An adult diaper.

5. A large amount of personal space.

6. A handy blanket for comfort and to pull over my eyes as needed.

7. A belief in a Higher Power.


We are probably going to go to Frightmares again before this month is out. I plan on going on a few nice slow roller coasters and eating a funnel cake made by a monosyllabic teenager who has lofty culinary aspirations.

What are your Halloween plans? And do you go to haunted houses? And if so, why?! WHY?!?!

Friday, October 12, 2012

My New Joob

Caffeine is my favorite vitamin.

La de freakin' da, people, I have a joooooob! I am a barista now. Which is soooo close to being a barrister like Mark Darcy.

I work here -- at Java Junkies. 1180 North Main St, Springville, Utah! Yeehaw!


A Shack of Delicious Beverages


It is like the Tardis. Much bigger on the inside than on the outside. 

Will you come and pretty please por favor visit me? I am in training right now, but next week I should start working in the afternoons rather regular-like. I would love to see your face. You are so beautiful. Have I ever told you that? It is true.

And don't worry if you are Mormon and don't drink coffee! A lot of our business is hot-chocolate related. Why, I have already seen two sets of missionaries since I've been there for three days. TWO SETS. A Boy Set. And a Lady Set. (Look for their action figures at Deseret Book!)


The Cotton Floozy makes the best hot chocolate
in all the Land of Zion!
And if you do drink coffee? Well, lemme tell ya. There is some fine espresso drinks at Java Junkies. That I am learning to make. Right before I become a British Lawyer (barrister) like Mr. Mark Darcy.


Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Cereal Killer

I love this Halloweenie time of year, because basically it is how the inside of my head looks all year. You know ... witches, demons, ghosts, evil fae ... the main creatures of urban fantasy (my favorite genre). 

My super cool artist cousin, Ryan, has FREE Halloween coloring pages on his site. (You won't steal them or use them unaccredited, right? Right. I knew you wouldn't.) He puts these up every year and you can download them and print them and make your kids and adult kids happy for at least a solid hour or so. I always find myself coloring a few of them.

The first year he made these coloring pages available, he had a contest. And guess who won FIRST PLACE?!

Frankenstein likes
long walks on the Miami beach,
virgin daiquiris, and his dad.


If you said my name, you are wrong. I got Honorable Mention. I WAS ROBBED.

I don't think he is having a contest this year. Which is a shame, because this year I would nail it. 

Meanwhile, go to his site, print them out, and either show Ryan on his Facebook page, or send them to me and I'll make sure Ryan gets to see them, too. Maybe. If he admits that I should have won first place and a pony.

Ryan is actually the person who inspired today's Halloween Embroidery. He gave me the phrase, "You can't spell 'slaughter' without laughter!" (And perhaps you are wondering why I caved and used double punctuation marks? That is because it is Dame Toadstool's birthday and I am generous like that.)

you can't spell "slaughter" without laughter.
RIP Lucky Charms, Corn Pops, Froot Loops, Trix.
Happy Halloween!