Monday, January 30, 2012

This hat I made grew some lovely hair

My mom's hair is starting to grow back from the chemo, but she still likes using hats and head-scarves. But not wigs. Too itchy. (Anyone who has read 'The Witches' by Roald Dahl knows that wigs are excruciatingly itchy.) The other day my mom commented that it would be great if only a little bit of faux hair could poke out the bottom of a crocheted hat. Brilliant.

So I made this hat this morning.

Guess what, Mom? You are now a red-head.
It's more of a slouchy/beret style hat than a normal beanie. Don't ask me for a pattern, because I'm a make-things-up-as-I-go-along-type-of-gal.


A few wispy tendrils of hair in the back suggest a head full of Anne Shirley Blythe hair.

For the inside of the hat, I made a headband of soft fleece so that her forehead doesn't get itchy. Between the fleece and the hat, I glue gunned the hair. The hair is from a wig I used for Halloween awhile back. Yes, I should have taken pictures of the inside. But I've already propped Disembodied Ginger Lady Head on my mom's kitchen counter top for maximum shock value for when she gets home from chemo today. I'll take pics of the inside later. Or, if people are interested, I could make another similar hat and make a tutorial. 

I was pretty pleased with how it turned out, but there is still the practicality test it needs to pass. Like, how does is look on an actual person's head? And does it itch? If it doesn't pass my mom's test drive, at least I can say I tried, right? 

Say yes.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Yes. It's Valentine's Day soon. Please don't make her cry.

The first Valentine's Day that Mr. Floozy and I shared, I spent crying. No. Not just crying. Blubbersobslobbering. Because I had never had been 'in a relationship' with a boy around that dreaded Ides of February, I was hysterically excited by the fact that I was a 19 year old bride and FINALLY HAD A VALENTINE. I gave the Flooze Dude a card and a chocolate in the morning, clearly impressing upon him the idea of 'gift-giving.' He did not pick up on it. And considering that I had always been so snarky about most sentimental things, he truly didn't believe that I wanted one. He couldn't figure out how I went from a perky 19-year-old wife in the morning to a swollen, splotchy, cankled 73-year-old hag in a mere 12 hours. 

Poor Mr. Floozy (still pretty much a child himself) went out to some opportunist kiosk and bought me a dozen roses. Yeah, it shut me up. And Mr. Floozy has never forgotten a Valentine's Day since! 

I feel that telling this story I have undone four decades worth of women's lib. SORRY.

If any of you are afraid of making your boyfriend/girlfriend blubbersobslobber, fear not! You can convo me at my Etsy store for a custom sampler. (I am going to start phasing out my Etsy store to only custom orders, btw.) Or you can head on over to Signed and Numbered if you live in the Salt Lake Area. They will be carrying a Valentine's Day Collection of Floozy Goodies. I will be dropping off my collection this weekend, so you should be safe anytime after that. 

Please. Don't make your child bride cry.

Here are a few examples of my Valentine's Day Collection:

I love you more than deep-fried bacon.

i like your face

Roses are red, violets are blue, Ninja love assassins are purple-ish.

Friday, January 20, 2012

The First Valentine

One of my favorite movies growing up was a claymation adaptation of the book 'The Diaries of Adam and Eve' by Mark Twain. In particular, I loved the end of the movie after Adam gives his wife the first valentine and contemplates his love for her, saying, 'Wherever she was, there was Eden.'

I made an embroidery piece of this quote for my mom. 

Wherever she was, there was Eden.

Many of you know that my mom was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer last July, and ever since then her life has been a horrible mess of awful. And she has been so brave and so strong and so so so tired of being so brave and so strong. I would like to share a little backstory on her cancer ordeal just in case it can prevent anyone out there from having to endure what she has had to. The summer before last (June 2010) my mom found a breast lump. She immediately scheduled an appointment with the doctor and was told by the radiologist that there was nothing to worry about and that the lump was benign. Phew! We were all so happy! The radiologist and his staff reassured her that all was well and told her to come back in a year as a followup. Well, that benign lump was indeed breast cancer and had spent the year growing and becoming super dangerous. 

I'm telling you this so that you know to always use two processes of elimination to make sure that any tumor you have is not cancerous. And please. GET A BIOPSY.  

I found a lump in my breast 6 years ago and had a lumpectomy (in the doctor's office, while I was awake). The doctor extracted the tumor, dropped it in a jar (it made an actual 'plink' noise) and told me that he was positive that it was not cancer. And then, HE BIOPSIED IT. Hey, not cancer! For realsies! 

Please don't let what happened to my mom, happen to you.  Right now she is still in the process of chemotherapy, recovering from a mastectomy (with a nasty infection) and is gearing up for weeks of daily radiation. I have watched her and decided that this cancer? It is no good. Yet through it all my mom has been loving and kind and amazing.

And truly, wherever my mom is, there is Eden.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

These boys know how to 'gay it up.'

Sorry that I have been soooo slooooow on this blog. There is a reason! I was out-of-town in sunny St. George, Utah. The weather was lovely, but the company was even better. The in-laws! I know! I am truly lucky to have fun, hilarious, and kind in-laws. Especially, Mr. Floozy's sibs. Mr. Floozy's way rad sister (and spouse and kids) and way rad brother (and boyfriend and hairdo) were there and we had a great time playing games and growing kidney stones by drinking way too much Diet Coke. 

If you are bored with this site, fear not! Go over to Happy Valley Crafters. There has been a flurry of activity over there, making it no longer The Cotton Floozy Blog 2. Also, make sure you check out The Cornfed Girl's blog. It will make you laugh unless you are dead inside and or Donald Trump (same thing.) Johi, she of the corn, recently secured a spot in the League of Funny Bitches All-Stars (which has currently gone dark because of SOPA/PIPA, so check back later.)

Meanwhile, get stinky about your rights on the Internet and check out this pic of my bro-in-law and his boyfriend. I gave them this belated Christmas present and told them to 'gay it up' for the camera.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

A newborn blankie and hat, modeled by Creepy Doll

Disembodied arm points to my latest handicrafts.

My brother is about to have another baby via his wife's uterus. So I crocheted a blankie! And a little hat. And then I desecrated the cuteness of the whole thing by having Creepy Doll dress up like a newborn, frozen in time. FUN.

The Baby That Time Forgot

Oh, and I recently realized that Creepy Doll plays music! She has a windup thingey protruding from her backside and everything! The song is Old McDonald, if Old McDonald was a gothic ghost who haunted British castles.

Friday, January 6, 2012


Guess what, people! In less than a week is the Season 6 Premiere of 30 Rock. Sooooexcitedsooooexcited!

Thanks to one of my favorite fan families, (Holla, Kennards!), I made this 30 Rock quote sampler for a custom Christmas order. What's your favorite 30 Rock quote?

Isn't there a slanket somewhere you should be filling with your farts?

Wednesday, January 4, 2012


effexor, prozac, cymbalta!
I finished sewing these beauties today in honor of my latest The Gospel According to Floozy post over on Happy Valley Crafters. If you have ever wondered about Utah's high antidepressant usage, wonder no more! I reveal all, for I am the great and powerful wizard of Effexor.

If you don't click this link I am going to have to up my dosage.