Friday, April 27, 2012

Mother's Day Choose-Your-Own-Quote

Right now I am getting into my car and driving to St. George to escape these danged allergies. So today's giveaway, I have decided to do something a little differently.

It's Mother's Day soon! Which is like the second best holiday after National Sandwich Day. So today, tell me about your mom. Or your step-mom. Or any female-mother-type equivalent. Maybe, it's your pet dog. I don't know. I've told you about my mom here and here. In fact, I would recommend the "Wherever she was, there was Eden quote."

If there was any quote or lovely (or snarky) saying that you would like stitched as a gift for her, tell me in the comments form. And I will randomly choose a winner and stitch your mom (or equivalent) an embroidery hoop. I will make it all cute and packaged and mail it directly to your mom (or grandma or favorite matriarchal college professor). 

What would be perfect as a stitched present for a Mother's Day gift? Giveaway ends next Wednesday (May 2nd). And hechoo! I mean, go!

UPDATE: I am now in St. George and can once again feel air through my nostrils. It is a fantastic sensation! But I see that only Johi loves her mother. WHY DON'T YOU GUYS LOVE YOUR MOTHERS! (or grandma's or significant matriarchal figures)! Are you shy so far because you don't have a quote? I just added the recommendation for the "Eden" quote. OR I would also love to make crochet flower fridge magnets! Remember that this would all be packaged and mailed in time for Mother's Day.

But you know, no pressure. :)

Thursday, April 26, 2012

The Cotton Floozy Reviews 50 Shades of Grey!

Benson gives me a dazzling smile.

"Likewise," he says, and I can tell from his accent that he's British.

Meet Anastasia Steele. Not the sharpest riding crop in the BDSM drawer. Heroine and narrator of the erotic novel Fifty Shades of Grey written by E L James (not to be confused with P.D. James).

I read this book. And now I have to read the entire canon of Russian literature in Russian to counter the effects. Calling it a 'book' is a loose definition of the term. I think it's more of an oversized instruction manual on how to be a pervy stalker.

Which makes total sense considering that it started out as a Bella/Edward fanfiction!

So if you are going to read this book, here is what you need to know:

1) It is dirty, but in a boring adolescent kind of way.

2) The main guy (Christian Grey) isn't even British!

3) It is written by a horny manatee.

This book is just so over-the-top ridiculous! Which is probably why I finished it! Also, because I feel bad for all of the horny manatees in the world that are aspiring writers. Like I said, the main lady? Not bright. She can't figure out why she is so conflicted about her lover being a pissy, physically abusive bastard. She should have her fictitious English degree revoked.

Oh and it is soooo boring! The book is basically one schmorgasm (schmorgasm schmorgasm schmorgasm!) after another,frequently interrupted with schizophrenic dialogue from her 'subconscious' and her 'inner goddess,' and punctuated with the dullest lamest derpturdiest email exchanges ever. Plus, there are the laborious sex scenes where the lovers try to reconfigure as many positions as possible in the space of twenty minutes. It's like, okay! You do a flip on the trampoline and once you are quarter-turned, I'll slip under you in a cut-out bear costume!

I realize that this review probably makes you want to read the book. Which is fine, but don't forget to read my upcoming fanfiction piece between Neville Longbottom and Dobby. It's a cracker!

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Calling All Weird Artists!

Recently I talked to my gorgeous, talented, witty, MILFesque friend Gwen about doing some collaborative artwork. I thought that she would simply draw something, and then I would embroider it, but her idea was even cooler than that. She suggested that I embroidery over paper sculptures. Gwen first sculpts a mold and then casts a wet paper mulch over it. Once it is dry, you have a paper sculpture. She gave me a few to practice with. Unfortunately, Mr. Floozy had been playing around with my camera and I didn't realize that he had turned the auto-focus off. So here is the first sculpture in its sad, blurry 'before' picture:
Imma a super sweet angel baby!
Here is the 'after' photo:

Cool, right? 

What is that that you are holding, little baby? Oh! A nuclear missile! How clever of you!

And what are those weird words stitched all around your face? Let's see.... 'Ubi solitudinem facium pacem appellant.'

This is one of my favorite Latin quotes. It is from Tacitus and can be translated as 'They make a desert and call it peace.'

And now you are officially scared of me. I understand. 

Once I finish the other 'practice' sculpture that Gwen gave me, I will post it here. I am very excited about it, but am worried that the paper isn't strong enough to hold all of the stitching I have planned. I will have to figure out a way to reinforce it.

I'm looking forward to working with the uber-talented Gwen Dutcher. She is very shy about her amazing artistic skills, but I think it's time that she showcases herself more. She is currently in a divorce with a local filmmaker (Richard ahem Dutcher) and deserves some serious spotlighting away from all of that. (I just made it worse. Didn't I.) 

Gwen and I will continue to discuss a few ideas for this colloborative project I want to start called 'THE ANGRY MAN VS THE HYSTERICAL WOMAN.' If any of you artists out there want to be involved, please! let me know! (Cornfed girl and Sarah, I'm looking at you.) Basically, I would like a series of pieces that can somehow fit into that theme. I get annoyed how both sexes often lapse into these roles in order to gain control or relinquish it. If you have any ideas or suggestions, whether you are an artist or not, let me know! Let's make something cool together. 

Thanks, Gwen! And thanks y'all! Don't forget that today is the last day to enter the 'help me, i'm poor' giveaway. Your comments are hilarious! Please don't forget to check back tomorrow morning to see if you won!

And remember, semper ubi sub ubi!

Friday, April 20, 2012

help me, i'm poor.

UPDATE WINNER: I am sure this is a surprise to no one -- the winner is Spytebunnee! See? It pays to overwhelm the comment section if you really really want to be the winner!

Blogger Spytebunnee said...
I'm so poor, I can't afford to pay attention!

I am getting really tired of putting the word giveaway in the title. So from now on, I'll just trust in your intelligence that you can figure that out on your own, since that pretty much is my thang right now. It's a phase. Like that time I wanted to be a cop until I learned about the 'push-up test' you have to pass in order to be one. Or the time I wanted to be a private investigator. Or the time I wanted to be a mortician. That one lasted, like, a whole hour, until I remembered my sensitivity to smell and my overactive gag reflex.

Today's Awesome Friday Giveaway is a movie quote from Bridesmaids. It is little (4" hoop) and belongs over the door of your empty pantry. I first stitched this quote for an Etsy customer, and loved it, so I'm bringing it back. It's so simple and to the point. 

help me, i'm poor.

I loved Bridesmaids. All of it, except for the puking scene. (Did I mention my overactive gag reflex?)  Kristin Wiig was heelarious, but Melissa McCarthy was pretty much the funniest woman in the world in that movie. I want to take her to prom.

You know the rules, RIGHT? Post here in the comment section. However many times you feel comfortable with. I won't judge you.

Giveaway ends WEDNESDAY APRIL 25TH MIDNIGHTISH. Winner announced Thursday April 26th here on this very blog post, so be sure to check back! 

Tell me how poor you are.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Hunger Games Embroidery! Giveaway!


Everybody, be sure to check back for tomorrow's giveaway!

Today's GIVEAWAY is this lovely embroidery I made of 'Rue's Lullaby' from the Hunger Games:

Rue's Lullaby

Deep in the meadow, under the willow
A bed of grass, a soft green pillow.
Lay down your head, and close your sleepy eyes
And when again they open, the sun will rise.

I never really noticed this song while reading the book, but I loved how it was incorporated in the movie. I would tell you more about the scene, but I don't want to spoil it for anybody. Let's just say, SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE.

But srsly. I LOVE the Hunger Games. The book. I threatened divorce to get Mr. Floozy to read it. So he did. And of course, he loved it, too.

As for the movie. Yeah? I think I liked it. I would say that I admired almost all of it, except for the stupid Control Room scenes of the game masters. It just looked too cheesy sci-fi. And  it chopped up the tension, making the most exciting parts of the movie suddenly less captivating.

I mean look at this photo of the Tribute from District 13. Horrifying, right?

Sadly, this tribute died from acute wussy-ness.


Enter the contest by posting a comment. What did you think of the movie? What did you think of the book? How much do you want to have Peeta's babies?

Go ahead and comment as many times as you like. This contest closes a little bit earlier than my normal week time. I am going to announce the winner Thursday the 19th, so get your comment in by WEDNESDAY APRIL 18TH MIDNIGHTish. And then I will choose a winner with the random number generator. 


Thursday, April 12, 2012

I can make things that are non-snarky!

Recently my brother's wife had a baby girl. This is where my lips immediately pucker into baby talk noisy woisys. She is durn cute that baby girl. And I made for her a Blessing Day Combo. 

Handmade with love and the magical energy derived from Diet Coke.


Mary Jane Booties! Those straps actually
open and close over the flower buttons I made!

Did you die from the cuteness? If so, did you leave me anything in your will? 

Also, check out the amazingness of the crochet flower hair clip I made. (If you are dead, after dying from Xtreme Cuteness, then possess someone using the internet at the public library.)

This blanket took me for-freaking-ever.

It has a cute flower detail on the corner.

Who's a cute wittle flower detail, who!


Monday, April 9, 2012

I cannot be held responsible for the winner's head exploding.


Please stand back, because I am sure that her head will explode.

I would like to thank all of you, readers, who entered. And feareth not. This is my new thang. Keep checking on my blog! Next Friday I will have another Floozy Something for a giveaway. And considering how small the pool is right now of entrants, your chances of winning are pretty high. And if find that you are that sad sad sack who always enters and never wins, I will take pity on you and make you something. This generous spirit of mine is what comes of always being picked last in gym class. And thanks to you, Random Number Generator! You have made ripping little pieces of paper and putting numbers on them a thing of the past! 

*I don't really know why I used the unsinkable adjective. It just felt right. Plus, I had been reading something about the titanic somewhere on the interwebs.

Friday, April 6, 2012

I Can Make Tassels Now!

Oh the possibilities! now that I can make tassels! I can add them to just about everything in my house. My curtains, my kids' backpacks, that mysterious rope that hangs down into the center of my bedroom. So many possibilities.

Instead, right now I am just focusing on these bookmarks.

I am using old book covers that I bought from my friend. She used to work at a thrift store where they recycled pretty much every other donated book. My friend secretly ripped off the book covers and smuggled them out to safety. Please don't narc on her.

 This is the current bookmark that I am using. 

I love this book cover because it is so odd. I mean, look, the couple is sitting in front of a roaring fire. And she is feeding him strawberries. While he smiles, dopily. Maybe he is having her feed him because he has no arms and is really worried about getting his sweater vest dirty. Whatever this book is, I really wish that I could read it. I bet that it is really HOTT.

Here are a few other lovely bookmarks: 
"She was young and in love and 
she reached for the impossible . . ." 

I like the book covers where you can never tell if the man is her lover or her daddy.

I am going to pretend that this book's title is The Unicorn Love Triangle.

So cool, right? I am going to put these up on Etsy this weekend. There are a few bookmarks that might be too weird to sell, but I'll probably try anyway. Like this one:

Neefa Feefa versus Business Class Ninja

I would like one of you to figure this book cover out for me. Is this a picture of a woman in danger with a man who saves her (and later beds her)? Or a picture of the ultimate power couple? She distracts the bad guys with her eyeball dancing while her boyfriend stabs them, careful not to get any blood on his tie.  

This next one I don't think I'm going to sell because I just love it too much.

Even dragons know how to photo bomb.
The ginger man on the left is Mr. Floozy. But I don't know who the other two are. And hey! Isn't that lady wearing my loincloth! Mr. Floozy has some 'splaining to do.

Once I post these bookmarks to my Etsy store, I will be sure to let you all know. I have about a dozen more that I made besides these beauties.

PLUS, I am going to throw in a mystery bookmark into the pot of my GIVEAWAY! Which ENDS TODAY. So make sure that you comment in either THIS POST or THIS ONE. You can go ahead and enter as many times as you want. I won't judge you.

I will pick the winner tonight and post the results Monday morning. The pot currently includes The Awesomesauce Sampler, the Back Off mask, and a book cover bookmark. Who wouldn't want to be the winner of these three (3) awesome items? Answer: lame people.

Monday, April 2, 2012

MOAR added to the GIVEAWAY!

I'm adding something more to the GIVEAWAY pot today. MY  LAST 'BACK OFF' SLEEPING MASK!


This will be added to the 'awesomesauce' frame gift package floozy deluxe.


This is my way of apologizing for being absent-ish the last few months-ish. And also a way of wooing back my special lady 'ho's. (You know who you are. *wink*)And also also a little bit of spring cleaning. You should see my windowsills. One word. Christmas.

My new phase is to have a giveaway each Friday. Maybe that's all I'll get done. But hey. It's something. Work with me, people. Tell your friends, tell your frenemies, tell your secret fictional fantasy lovers. Few will enter. Few will win. (That's a pretty rad catchphrase, if I do say so myself.)

Oh, and go ahead and comment either on this post or the 'awesomesauce' one below. Contest still ends Friday the 6th.

Thank you!

Oh oh, and if you live in Utah, don't forget to go to 'Neon Trees' Benefit on Saturday. They are cool people.