Thursday, April 26, 2012

The Cotton Floozy Reviews 50 Shades of Grey!

Benson gives me a dazzling smile.

"Likewise," he says, and I can tell from his accent that he's British.

Meet Anastasia Steele. Not the sharpest riding crop in the BDSM drawer. Heroine and narrator of the erotic novel Fifty Shades of Grey written by E L James (not to be confused with P.D. James).

I read this book. And now I have to read the entire canon of Russian literature in Russian to counter the effects. Calling it a 'book' is a loose definition of the term. I think it's more of an oversized instruction manual on how to be a pervy stalker.

Which makes total sense considering that it started out as a Bella/Edward fanfiction!

So if you are going to read this book, here is what you need to know:

1) It is dirty, but in a boring adolescent kind of way.

2) The main guy (Christian Grey) isn't even British!

3) It is written by a horny manatee.

This book is just so over-the-top ridiculous! Which is probably why I finished it! Also, because I feel bad for all of the horny manatees in the world that are aspiring writers. Like I said, the main lady? Not bright. She can't figure out why she is so conflicted about her lover being a pissy, physically abusive bastard. She should have her fictitious English degree revoked.

Oh and it is soooo boring! The book is basically one schmorgasm (schmorgasm schmorgasm schmorgasm!) after another,frequently interrupted with schizophrenic dialogue from her 'subconscious' and her 'inner goddess,' and punctuated with the dullest lamest derpturdiest email exchanges ever. Plus, there are the laborious sex scenes where the lovers try to reconfigure as many positions as possible in the space of twenty minutes. It's like, okay! You do a flip on the trampoline and once you are quarter-turned, I'll slip under you in a cut-out bear costume!

I realize that this review probably makes you want to read the book. Which is fine, but don't forget to read my upcoming fanfiction piece between Neville Longbottom and Dobby. It's a cracker!


  1. I've just started hearing about this book and so appreciate your review! Not sure if I will read it or not (I've told you I'm not a big reader). I'd read your book for sure though!!!

  2. Oh man, I don't know if I can resist a BDSM book written by a horny manatee!! I mean, you KNOW how much I "like" manatee's. *swoon*

    Also, I would TOTALLY read any fanfic featuring Neville Longbottom, but only the Neville that now has his teeth fixed. YUM! Have you ever considered writing a fanfic about a threesome between a horny manatee, Dobby, and Neville? It would be EPICALLY METAL!!

  3. "You do a flip on the trampoline and once you are quarter-turned, I'll slip under you in a cut-out bear costume!"

    I'm suing. That's TOTALLY my signature move.

  4. i saw this shortly after seeing this post

  5. I read 3 pages of the Shades of Grey-thingie. I'm much more interested in the Dobby/Neville fic.

  6. You are so funny I could poo and die at the same time. This is the first review of this "book" that I agreed with. It's the slutty older sister of Twilight who's just as dull.