Thursday, May 17, 2012

your poop smells nice

WINNER UPDATE:


Who has the fairest poop story of them all? 


KITTY!


Unfortunately,one day my poor little boy wasn't feeling well. I placed him on the futon and put him down for a nap. He woke shortly after saying his tummy hurt. I walked over to see if maybe taking him to the bathroom would work. He was laying there in a little ball with his naked booty in the air. Just as I was about to ask he started to bear down. Seconds later a turd shot out like a cork from a celebratory bottle of wine! You could see the relief on his face and I'm sure he could see the horror on mine, as the flood gates opened and liquid stool started flowing forth! I snatched him up as quick as I could, and holding him at arms length, ran to the nearest bathroom! 


ALL of your poop stories were magnificent! But Kitty killed me with the 'turd shot out like a cork' sentence. 


thanks!


---


It's a GiiiivvvveAwaaaay! (Please tell me you read that in your head with an Oprah voice.)


Today's giveaway is this cute little bathroom birdie -- the last one from my Etsy shop. He wants you to feel good about your bowel movements.


'your poop smells nice'
Great for families besieged with potty-training!


I have sold a poopload of these birdies. And I won't be selling anymore of them until late this summer at craft fairs. So here is your last chance to procure one for awhile.


Make sure your guests feel comfortable
going Number Two in your guest bathroom!


Last night at my Stitch & Bitch, we started sharing potty training horror stories. One of my friend's son is currently learning how to defecate in the toilet with limited success. The biggest problem my friend has encountered is that her little boy is a budding artist. He likes to use his poop to finger paint. ALL OVER his entire bedroom. Another friend told us about how her sister has a framed picture of her kids playing with dump trucks full of what appears to be mud. Yeeeeaaaah.  And possibly the worst story shared last night was about a friend of a friend who had two children, close in age, both in diapers, who were caught taste-testing the contents of each other's diapers. OMG. 


WHO'S HUNGRY!


Back to the deets for this Giveaway! It ends a week from today (Thursday May 24th). Enter a comment in this post for a chance to win. This time instead of doing the random drawing thing, I'm going to have a contest. Please share your own horror stories about potty training. Whoever has the funniest, weirdest, and/or grossest story WINS! I will be the judge of whom I think deserves the birdie, but go ahead and comment about whose story you like best. I am easily influenced because I am a Pisces.


I know I have a few International readers who might also be interested in winning this charming wall sampler. Go ahead and enter. The birdie is light enough that it doesn't cost too much to ship.


Speaking of international peoples -- here is an 'appreciation photo' from one of my British customers.


Your poop smells nice, guv'nor!




But of course, here is my favorite appreciation photo.






OKAY ENTER NOW PLEASE FEEL FREE TO HORRIFY ME.

24 comments:

  1. My son comes in the house without clothes on. "Why are you naked, John?" I ask. "I pooped," says he. "Where?" I ask. "Outside," says he. I look all over the lawn for the pile, but no luck. "Where did you poop--will you show me?" I ask. He points to his John Deere pedal tractor. There in the bucket is his offering to the front-end loader.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Front-end loader? Don't you mean back-end loader? (I am so sorry for my groan-worthy response.)

    ReplyDelete
  3. You know you're in trouble when things get quiet...

    I had my two-year-old cousin for the weekend and lost track of him for a second. I finally found him squatting on the bathroom rug. I said, "Whatcha doing?"

    His reply? "I'm poopin' in a cup!" said with great pride. I had him stand up and sure enough, sitting in the bottom of a stacking cup toy set we'd use in the tub the night before, were three little turds. Needless to say, that particular cup from the set got thrown away.

    The cherry on top of this story is that while I was trying to lecture the pooper - you know, teach him where it is and is not appriopriate to poop - my parents are standing behind me, laughing their heads off.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If that kid masters the poop-in-a-cup technique, he is going to make a great hobo someday!

      Delete
  4. SHIT!! I haven't potty-trained Silas yet, so I have no poop stories to offer! Oh, except last week, Silas discovered how to take off his diaper.

    I was coming out the of computer room and Brandon was in the front room and all of the sudden, we see a butt-assed naked Silas running by, giggling his head off! I was like, whaaaa? Then the smell hit me! I was like, OMG, and ran into his room. Apparently the diaper he shed in order to have naked time was poop-filled! I quickly ran after him to make sure he hadn't smeared poop anywhere and was relieved to find that he had only smeared it on his inner legs and feet. I quickly cleaned him up and put on another diaper (which, btw, was quickly taken off 10 minutes later in order for more naked time).

    Although the damage was minimal, I did spend the next 15 minutes smelling everything in his room to make sure than none of the offending feces had been transferred to any fabrics. It was a great time!

    P.S.

    I know I won't win, but I simply MUST have a birdie sampler when you make some for the craft fair. See, I want to have one of my Patrick Rothfuss books signed by him and one of the stipulations he has put forth is that in order for him to sign a copy of your book, you have to send him something cool. I automatically thought of your poop sampler because I think he would get a kick out of it. Just think, your poop sampler could be hanging somewhere in Patrick Rothfuss's home!! How fucking awesome would that be?!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Shut the front door! Are you serious? I would love to make a poop sampler for him!

      Delete
  5. I've shared every horrifying story I've got sister! But clearly, I need this in my kids' bathroom!! PICK ME PICK ME!! Love you!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hopefully, all of your horrifying stories are a thing of the past.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Two summers ago our family was visiting some obscure relatives in Norway. They happened to be dog-sitting, and had kept the dog in the bathroom to keep it from jumping all over the place. Our three-year-old son asked us if the dog was going potty, and we told him "yes" to keep him from letting the dog out. A little while later I went to the backyard, only to find him with his pants down to his ankles, in a squatting position, pooping on their lawn. The lady of the house asked, "do all American kids do that?". We quickly cleaned up the mess, and trespassed on their hospitality no further.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Please tell me you said, Yes, all American kids do that. So funny! Thanks, Dana!

      Delete
  8. Ms. Floozy, this is my favorite of all your work. This sampler is the sampler that drew me into your world. I want it so much. It is divine. That being said, I have managed to potty train 5 children with a true dearth of really gross stories. Perhaps I'm a little too OCD to even allow such shenanigans, or perhaps I'm just repressing like crazy. No poop artists here, and certainly no taste-testers. I have had a couple of kids who experimented with pooping outside the appropriate receptacle, once outside and once on the basement floor. A quick clean-up and a FHE lesson (who wants brownies?) on the history and ramifications of human sanitation cured said kids fairly quickly. That being said, I'll offer instead the story of a boy I nannied in California in my younger years. This boy was 4, but had learned that potty issues were a great way to raise serious emotion from his parents. One day, in a rage over some injustice, he went to his room, took off his pants and from the vantage point of his bed proceeded to pee all over everything he possibly could. The bed, the walls, the artwork on the walls, the dresser, the rug, the toys, even the fish tank. Everything had to be scrubbed down, laundered, or discarded. I was so glad I was off duty at the time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The image of this kid on his bed hosing everything down in firing range is beyond hilarious. That scene belongs in a movie!

      Delete
  9. No stories here. Just wanted to say I have one and I love it, and that is MY GIRL! sitting on the toilet admiring your work. She was pretty much trained after staring at your amazeballs details. Seriously. Not evening lying.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am so glad that a picture of your child on the pot fills you with maternal pride!

      Delete
  10. Alright let's get this contest entry started!

    When my son was young, and we were in potty training mode, we lived in military housing with linoleum floors. So it was only natural for me to try the no diaper method. During the day my son would be free to traipse around the house with only the air to separate what God gave him from the world! Occasionally he'd get the reminder to go to the potty, like any determined training mommy does(remember folks no diapers = an extra $20 spending money every 2 weeks for mommy!)

    Unfortunately,one day my poor little boy wasn't feeling well. I placed him on the futon and put him down for a nap. He woke shortly after saying his tummy hurt. I walked over to see if maybe taking him to the bathroom would work. He was laying there in a little ball with his naked booty in the air. Just as I was about to ask he started to bear down. Seconds later a turd shot out like a cork from a celebratory bottle of wine! You could see the relief on his face and I'm sure he could see the horror on mine, as the flood gates opened and liquid stool started flowing forth! I snatched him up as quick as I could, and holding him at arms length, ran to the nearest bathroom!

    Looking back on it now, I probably should have left him there and contained the mess, but instincts kicked in and I had a trail of poo from one side of the house to the other. As I gagged to clean it up, I vowed this would be my poop story when ever on was needed! And don't worry ladies, it's on the docket as THE topic for conversation with any perspective girlfriends in the future!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh the laughter! can't. breathe!

      Delete
    2. ROFL! I'm glad you got a kick out of it! I to this day can't tell the entire story without cracking up!

      Delete
  11. just last week I was at Butlin's holiday camp in a rented apartment. I was busy feeding the baby when Chloe (just turned 3) told me she needed the toilet. I told her to ask Daddy and listened as she went and did just that. Daddy made an indistinct reply but I figured even a man could get this right... right?

    No, he made her wait while he made the bed. She weed on the floor. He freaked. I told him it was no big deal, just take her to the bathroom and clean her up. He can do that... right?

    So, I was burping the baby and I heard Chloe shouting. "Mummy, mummy, come look at this!" just as I saw Daddy walk past the window on the phone to someone. No way he had time to deal with this, he'd just abandoned her without taking her to finish in the toilet.

    So, with the baby at my hip I go and search for Chloe,the first room has only the smell of pee, a warm puddle by the double bed and a pile of wee-soaked clothes.

    The second bedroom contains twin beds and in the space between them is Chloe, butt-naked and standing like a ballerina on one leg. She looks cute and I smile, then I get a waft of the stench. Looking closer I see that she is keeping one foot in the air because it is smeared with poo. A little more investigation shows that she has laid a turd of man-sized proportions on the carpet. This thing was huge, I wish I'd taken a photo. There is also a poo footprint on the bedside cabinet and one on the wall where she got her balance.

    At this point Daddy wandered in, took one look and offered to hold the baby while I cleaned it up.

    To top it all off there were no cleaning products in the place so I had to clean it up the best I could with wet wipes then go and explain to the polish maid what had happened. She didn't find it as amusing as we did, I don't think she believed such a giant turd could have come from such a small child. I was happy to let her believe my husband had really done it.

    Amanda

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Girl, I would have totally blamed it on the husband! Making sure to point him out to the maid as she walked out!

      Delete
    2. What is it about the word "turd" that immediately makes me giggle? Such a funny story, Amanda! And I agree with Kitty. Always blame it on the husband.

      Delete
    3. it's more of a husband-training accident than a potty-training one... what made it even funnier was that he hurt his back the next day and had to sleep on that floor.

      Delete
  12. Thank you so much! I'm so excited! Now t decide if I want to be greedy and keep it for myself.. Or continue with my original intent and put it in hubby's office bathroom! Decisions decisions!

    ReplyDelete