Saturday, September 29, 2012

Derby in Spanish Pork!

Apparently, Utah County is now cool enough to have Roller Derby. Rainbow socks and tats and all. And damn! I wish I could roller skate worth a . . . damn. Here is the 'after' picture of the last time I tried to roller skate:

And she never roller skated again DUN DUN DUNNNNN.

And if you are thinking, 'It is never too late!' I would remind you of the two (2!) head injuries I have suffered this summer. I am an incurable klutz. Science should study me. I am going to go right now and fill out the paperwork so that when I die they can throw me onto the Body Farm (I have been reading too many serial killer books lately.). And I am sure that while the rest of my body decomposes as expected, there will be two wet spaghetti noodles right where my legs should have been. Also, my head will be full of straw animal bedding with a busted gyroscope inside. 

Tonight I am going to watch that thar local Roller Derby league that I mentioned in my opening sentence. It is close to where I live! In Spanish Pork!

You should come, too! And hang out with me and The Happy Valley Crafters! Oh oh, and here, read this article from our very own Lizzie Boredom about the coolness of these Derby girls.

At the game I will be easy to find because I will be wearing my FLOOZY SAY RELAX shirt and will look exactly like this:

If you can't come that is sad and full of sadness, but can you at least try to astral project? I don't feel like that is asking too much of you.

And if you can't even astral project because today you have a migraine and are in the Depths of Despair (I've been reading too much Anne Shirley lately), then perhaps you can attend this on Oct 20th:

I plan on being there! (Not that I have any sort of confirmation from the Darlins yet, but you know, I have high apple pie in the sky hopes. Omigod apple pie sounds so good right now.

Later Roller Skaters,


Wednesday, September 26, 2012

SQUAWK! rhymes with ...

Several months ago while visiting family in St. George, my sister-in-law asked me to stitch a sampler for her kitchen. The phrase she wanted stitched was: 'Never trust a skinny cook.' So I stitched one for her. I hadn't seen it for awhile and I couldn't remember what it looked like so I had her send me this picture:

SQUAWK! This is so fugly. Sure, I was out of town and had limited resources, but come on! My meds must not have been working that day. 

And you see it, right?  If you look at it out of the corner of your eye or stare at it while squinting. It doesn't look like it says 'Never trust a skinny cook.' It looks like it says, 'Never trust a skinny [rhymes with SQUAWK!].' So not good! (But maybe kinda true? I have limited experience in that department.)

Sorry, dear SIL. I have made you a new one. Hopefully this one will be more family-friendly for your kitchen.
Never trust a SKINNY cook.

Monday, September 24, 2012


You guys know all about dog-shaming, right? You post a picture of your dog(s) and caption it with the bad thing they've done. I think it is hilarious, but my dogs do not. Look how angry they are. Or maybe they're upset about their matching crochet sweaters. If only dogs could talk. (Squirrel!)

Weasley and Headmistress Granger do not approve.

So, drrrr, of course, I made my own dog-shaming meme. 

I know. That caption isn't laugh-out-loud worthy. Help a lady out? What would you caption this photo. Here's a list of all the shameful things they've done recently: 

1. Tried to kill the Schwans Man.

2. Ate poop.

3. Puked.

4. Ate puke.

5. Destroyed every inch of my house.

You know, typical dog behavior. If you haven't read The Oatmeal's latest and greatest post about dogs, do yourself a favor and read it, here. (Warning: Thar be Swears in Them Waters.)

While you're coming up with a funny caption, make sure you (Utah folks) check out my Facebook event page. We are going to see the Happy Valley Derby Darlins! this Saturday. I would love to see your face there!

Friday, September 21, 2012

Amanda Palmer Says SMILE.

It's Friday, which is generally considered a good day if you gauge days according to Facebook statuses. 

So here's a little picture of an embroidery I made immortalizing Amanda Palmer's song Smile (Pictures Or It Didn't Happen) from her new and fabulous album Theatre is Evil. Go and buy it. You will love it. And please remember that she is married to Neil Gaiman. Which means you can either hate her for that or love her in a sisterly Way-To-Go! way.

your teeth are broke
and it's all right.

Here are the lyrics. Ponder them this weekend. The song Smile got me through a rough time. I listened to it over and over and over again. 

I'll see you on Monday. Smile! 

Smile (Pictures Or It Didn't happen.)
by Amanda Palmer and the Grand Theft Orchestra

You can forget about your life
You can forget about your life
The truth will follow you
The truth will follow you
The proof will swallow you up
Holy shit, you got some action
Pictures or it didn't happen

Smile, smile
Your teeth are broke
And it's all right
Smile, smile
Your teeth are broke
And it's all right
They'll break the best of you
They'll break the best of you
It makes you beautiful
So fists into the lips of fashion
Pictures or it didn't happen

I had such an awful dream
Last night
Everybody's faces were too tight
Please don't leave me
In this nightless light
God, I'm gonna miss you when you
The end is near
And it's high time
Smile, smile, smile
The end is near
And it's high time
The light's amazing, man
So time your Instagram
The rapture
Swallowing the land
But we're the last ones laughing
Pictures or it didn't happen
(Get it 'cause we'll all be dead
And no one dead can use a camera)

I had such an awful dream last night
Everybody's faces
Went all white
Everybody in the world
Was either
Getting killed or getting footage of the killing
That they sent to surgeons working in the sky

I don't wanna
I don't wanna go to
I don't wanna go to Cali
I don't wanna go to California

I don't want to die
I don't want to die
I don't want to die

Thursday, September 20, 2012

My Nerves Are RACKED.

To all the really cool people who came to my Craft Lake City Workshop, THANK YOU! You guys are the cream of the crop. I heart you and tip my crazy hat in your general direction. 

I'm getting back into gear and have big huge mongo plans to make everything better here on The Cotton Floozy website. Okay, not huge mongo plans, but I might add an 'About the Flooze' section. I know. Pick up that brain matter off your house-smock because I just blew your minds.

Anyhoodle, I posted this as my status on my personal Facebook page:

Thanks to all my friends who came to my crafty workshop last night! My racked nerves have since convalesced and won't rack again until I watch that video interview that was made where I totally dorked out.

To which Dame Toadstool promptly replied:

 Unsurprisingly, I prefer "wracked" in this usage.

HAHAHAHA, Dame Toadstool!!!

I said 'racked' and I meant 'racked!'

It's Dame Toadstool's birthday in October. Guess what she's getting embroidered and framed for that special occasion. Okay, besides David Tenant wrapped in pink cellophane. That's not to say that David Tenant will be embroidered and framed as well. Gah. Words. Who needs 'em! 

**motor-boating imaginary nerve's great rack.**

UPDATE: I realize that I misspelled David Tenant, but guess what? I'm leaving it. Because I want to see how blue that vein can get on Dame Toadstool's forehead. 

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Me. Linguistic Genius

It really means 'go frak yourself.' I am a Battlestar fan.

As you learned in my last post, I am a Grammar Hippie. But did you also know that I am the creator of another set of Grammar Rules? It's true. Some day I will speak to you in my special idioglossia. Unfortunately, I can only speak it at the hospital when I am on hooked up to an I.V. with the good drugs.

Here is my new proposal for our fine English language. Instead of using and abusing 'there, they're, and their,' I propose that we replace all three with 'thar.'


'There' Replacement: 

In Utah county thar are no frolicking unicorns. 

'They're' Replacement: 

Where have all the frolicking unicorns gone? Thar in Brad Pitt's back yard giving pony rides to Brangelina's children.

'Their' Replacement:

It's hard not to be jealous of thar frolicking unicorns.


Pretty genius, right? I think my friend Dame Toadstool's head just exploded. Which would be duper bad because I need her tonight to help me out with the Craft Lake City workshop.

MEA CULPA, dearest Dame Toadstool! (Some day I am going to do a blog post on the sheer awesomeness that is Dame Toadstool. It might win a Pulitzer.) 

I only allow one person to correct my grammar and that is Dame Toadstool. And when she does it is like that scene in Singing in the Rain. You know the one, right? Of course you do.

So what do you guys think of my new word 'thar'!? Pretty neat, right? Go ahead and start using it. It should catch on like a wildfire or a bad fashion trend. Or a bad fashion trend on wildfire. Harem pants are very flammable.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Ritt Momney is a Normom?

Let’s talk politics! And then we’ll finish it off with religion and a heated discussion about grammar. (Some of my friends are over on the ‘right’ side of the spectrum and are self-described ‘Grammar Nazis’, whereas I am a ‘Grammar Hippie’ over on the left side. I’m always on the left side, be it grammar or politics or heck, even religion.) 

And here’s the thing. I am okay with you being on the ‘right’ side. That is grrreat! Although, confessedly, I feel compelled to put the word ‘right’ in quotations marks. (Side note: I hate double quotation marks. They are so bulky and unnecessary. The single quotation mark is elegantly utilitarian. Have at me, Grammar Punctuationistas!) 

Where was I? I got distracted by this weird, burned cereal flake in my bowl. Oh, right! POLITICS. I can hardly stand Facebook lately because everything is a political link trying to persuade the other side that they are better and have more delicious punch and cookies. This seems rather hopeless to me. Has anyone ever flipped political sides because of a Facebook post? Maybe, like thirty people in the whole history of the world? And those thirty people all slipped and cracked their heads on their keyboards at the same time. 

It’s fine to be political. Correction: It's grrrreeat! to be political. I appreciate the intelligent people who give it their best to figuring it all out. I love that we can do that in our country. We are damned lucky to have Freedom of Speech. (Or as I like to call it, 'Freedom to Be Cool' or 'Freedom to Be an Asshole.')

You can tell me that I’m wrong with my politics, religion, and grammar, but don’t be an asshole about it. Even if you are right, being an asshole negates your whole point. 

(I should mention that a lot of my friends are Grammar Fascists, and that they are pretty nice to me when I mess up. The one exception concerns my Utah Acsint [Accent] which is so gawdawful to them and supposedly makes their ears menstruate. Someday I will write a blog post about Utah accents and how I am pro-regionalism and anti-cultural-Borgism. I will try not to be an asshole about it.)

All of this fighting and scrabbling to be right reminds me of a scene from The Big Lebowski. You know the one. Where Walter and the Dude are getting in the car after a bowling match and they keep on arguing about whether or not it was wrong of Walter to bully Smokey into taking a zero for his turn. Walter asks repeatedly, ‘Am I wrong? Am I wrong?!’ Finally, the Dude answers, ‘You’re not wrong. You’re just an asshole.’ 

So sayeth The Dude.

Go ahead and post your awe-inspiring or cringey pictures of Ritt Momney and Obamarama. But don’t be offended if I hide you on Facebook. When it comes to politics, religion, and grammar, I stand by The Dude.

Friday, September 14, 2012

The Cotton Floozy's Cheapest Disinfectant Spray

Create the cheapest disinfectant spray you’ll ever need by simply pouring rubbing (isopropyl) alcohol into a spray bottle. 

  1. Disinfect doorknobs, faucet handles, remote controls, etc. 
  2. Spray your stinky couch.
  3. Kill fruit flies with a few easy spritzes. They die mid-flight.
  4. Remove pen and ink stains.
  5. Freshen your air and kill germs at the same time.
  6. End transference of disease by spraying the palms of yourself and your handshake mate.
  7. Stop showering, just spray yourself and then wipe down with a towel. Repeat as necessary.
  8. Avoid bothersome small-talk by randomly spraying strangers and hissing like a muskrat in heat.
  9. When ambushing celebrities you want to lick, disinfect them by spraying their foreheads. Rub off the excess with your sleeve and then proceed to lick. Fun Fact: Matthew McConaughey tastes exactly like Campbell’s Chunky™Beef with Country Vegetables soup.
  10. Ensure that the urns for the cremated ashes of your loved ones are completely sanitary by coating the inside with the spray and a teaspoon or so of the remains until you have created a soft yet gritty slurry. Rinse and dry before pouring the remaining remains into the urn.

Thursday, September 13, 2012


Be there!

That is if you live in Utah. 

You really need this in your life right now.

It is TUESDAY! ZOMG! at the Garage on Beck in Salt Lake City!

For only 5 bucks you will learn the super basics of making one of these fine samplers.

You can stitch whatever words you please. I won't judge you. Included in the workshop is the hoop, fabric (I have a splendid assortment of Manly fabrics, Girly fabrics and Gender-Neutral fabrics.), and the thread (duh).

5 bucks is LESS than what I sell a finished product. Which is probably why you are now asking yourself why I would share with you this Super Secret Oprah Secret to my Success. Because I believe in sharing art, people. I want you to see what you come up with when handed a needle and thread and a bit of know-how. 

Don't worry about your skill level! I have my team of Happy Valley Crafters at the ready to help you and hold your hand and breathe Lamaze with you just in case you are giving birth to a baby* at the same time. That's how much I trust these people. 

So please please come and RSVP here on the Facebook Event Page. Start thinking about a simple word or two or five that you want to stitch for your four-inch hoop sampler. I will see you Tuesday!

Ye Olde Floozy

* Please talk to your doctor before attending this event if you are dilated more than a three.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Bummer of a birthday, Hal

I recently did this custom order for someone I met at Craft Lake City (Hi, Caitie!)

It is from Bridesmaids and it is so so funny and I want to have Kristen Wiig's babies every time I watch that scene of her getting drugged and crazy on an airplane.

Speaking of drugged and crazy, many of you know that I have underlying depression issues that will not ever go away, that I will always have. That I need my anti-depressants more than I need these glasses on my face. I usually do pretty well thanks to the Miracle of Science. Unfortunately, last week my medication stopped working. As in stop stopped. As in crashed. It was bad bad. I am doubling up my adjectives just so that you understand how horrible horrible it was. Horrible. When I get like that (maybe has happened 4 times total in my life) I shut everybody out but Mr. Floozy. And nobody gets to see me. And then Mr. Floozy and I wait it out with the help of McDonald's (McMedicine) and our doctor. (Who is really really cool (cool). It only freaked me out a little when I realized on the first visit that I went to high school with him.) 

I am now on a new medication, but the med switch was wretched.


I may write about it more someday. I may not. I may write an epic poem that nobody will understand but myself. Who knows.

Okay, back to this custom order. I made it for my new friend (Hi, Caitie!) for her friend whose birthday was September 11th as in yesterday. It's all been finished and delivered and everything and I hope that the recipient was pleased. During our email exchange, I couldn't help but wonder what that must be like to have a birthday on September 11th? Especially during your formative childhood years. Was it strange to have everybody solemn and depressed on your birthday? Did you ever feel like you had to hold back the celebration? Ira Glass needs your story on This American Life, so why don't you get on that, please.

Meanwhile, I am getting better and adjusting to my new brain chemistry and my heart goes out to all of you who have depression or birthdays on September 11th. 

I lurv you all. Ah-men.

Bonus points to anybody who gets my reference in the post title!

Monday, September 10, 2012

Standard 8th Grade Home-Ec Witchcraft

While going through the basement, I found a box of my old childhood stuff. Here is my very first crochet project ever. Home-Ec 8th grade! 

Uh, is this a POPPET? As in this . . . ?

This explains so much, guys!

I took out the pins and the 'CRAZY' sign. Hopefully, I should see results soon.

At least my poppet is modest!

Thursday, September 6, 2012

I Made My Mom a Funny Cancer Shirt

the real ones tried to kill me!

There are various adaptations of this same shirt all over the interwebs. I'm sure that Zazzle and Cafe Press have them. They're rather ubiquitous.  I decided to make my own version for my mom. Annie helped. We chose a plain gray single-pocket tee and these iron-on alphabet stitches.  We then added our own embellishments, back-stitches and buttons, etc.

of course they're fake.
the real ones tried to kill me.

I like our version of the shirt better than the Zazzle and Cafe Press ones.  I like that it is more difficult to read so that those who only take a passing glance, fail to miss it. This makes my mom feel safe enough from scrutiny to actually wear it out in public. Today she went to her Quilting Guild (I love that they have a GUILD) and wore this shirt. Everybody laughed and loved it and took pictures of her to show their friends. Funny Cancer shirt FTW!