Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Just say, 'No! ArrRrgeaugh!' to Haunted Houses!

So totally not Mom-Aprroved.

A few weekends ago we went to Frightmares at Lagoon -- a local carny/amusement park that gets all Halloweened out in October. It was really fun except that I was relentlessly mocked and pressured because of my refusal to go near anything scary,which included roller-coasters, haunted houses, and the bathroom next to the Arby's. Every time I saw a ride that looked Mom-Approved, I said, 'Hey! Let's go on that nice, slow roller coaster!' And now I have the name of my Mom Band -- Slow Roller Coaster! Who's in? 

Lagoon has about three or four Not-Mom-Approved haunted houses. Only Mr. Floozy and Boy Floozy were willing to go through them. Despite my love for scary, zombie-filled urban fantasy fiction, I refuse to go into a haunted house. Or rather, the only way that I would go on a haunted house is if this happened:

The things I would need:

1. A Kiddie Wagon to be pulled by a trustworthy person who has been vetted by The International Nanny Association.

2. Pope-Mobile Glass to protect me.

3. Noise-cancelling headphones.

4. An adult diaper.

5. A large amount of personal space.

6. A handy blanket for comfort and to pull over my eyes as needed.

7. A belief in a Higher Power.

We are probably going to go to Frightmares again before this month is out. I plan on going on a few nice slow roller coasters and eating a funnel cake made by a monosyllabic teenager who has lofty culinary aspirations.

What are your Halloween plans? And do you go to haunted houses? And if so, why?! WHY?!?!


  1. I only do the tame haunted houses. You will never see me in Nightmare on 13th or anything like that. I think they are fun for the most part. As long as no one touches me. No touchy! The haunted ride at Lagoon is uber creepy!! I don't even like doing that ride!

    1. Are you saying this because you tried to get me to go to a haunted house last year, Tristan? Have you been vetted by the International Nanny Association? If not, I DO NOT TRUST YOU.

  2. Yeah... I don't do scary. Even when watching scary movies I tend to cover my ears -- it's totally the music that gets my heart racing.

    The only plan I have is to dress my kid in his costume and take a lot of adorable photos for future blackmailing purposes.

    1. You are right about the key being to plug your ears. When I go to a scary movie, I always have at least one finger in an ear (sometimes two) and I squint my eyes until I can only see a thin, blurry bit.

  3. Yeh I'm not down for the scary so much either. It's pretty hard to startle me, which is probably a learned response to how much I HATE to be startled. Same thing with tickled. I hate it so much that I made myself be non-ticklish.

    I do love the zombies even though they scare the sense out of me... The boychild and I have started doing nightly Walking Dead reruns on netflix... and this morning I woke up to the sounds of one of them rummaging in the kitchen for breakfast and first thought was "oh crap zombies"

    1. I HATE being tickled, too! I totally see the connection. I have a super defense mechanism against tickling. Basically, I go as ugly as I can. I contract my head into my neck and make a beached-whale-being-butchered-with-an-eggbeater noise. It works! My husband runs away crying. I think maybe I should go to a haunted house after all, and employ this technique.


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