Monday, November 5, 2012

Stitching Instructions, Floozy-Style



As a few of you know, I recently had a MED CRASH in September. A huge reason was because of my head injury. Another reason was that my current medications just stopped working. Stopped. Working. Dead. Dead dead. Which is another way of saying that I went full-blown Crazypants (a medical condition.) The biggest concern I had about going Crazypants was that I would not be able to host my Craft Lake City Workshop. Fortunately, with the help of a great doctor and new medications, I was able to do it! Hurrah! 

Here is a very nice writeup about it here you go, HERE.

Also, watch this video. Yes, I am a huge dork, but the new and better me accepts my adorkableness with only minimal cringing.


 


For those of you who did not come to my workshop because either A: you live far away, or B: you hate me -- here is the handout I gave out at my workshop to teach anyone and everyone how to stitch.


Behold:


The Cotton Floozy’s Handy Dandy 
Guide to Life and Stitching 
But Mostly Stitching.

STEP ONE: Turn on a good television show such as Game of Thrones or Hoarders and sit down.

STEP TWO: Thread your needle. Tie a knot at the end.

STEP THREE: Assemble your hoop which includes: wooden embroidery hoop, quilt batting, and fabric. Save the felt for later. Or cut it into a circle and wear it as a yarmulke.

STEP FOUR: Draw your design or words onto your fabric with a disappearing ink pen, a water-soluble pen, or an iron-away pen. Do not prick your finger and use your own blood. That is gross.

STEP FIVE: Pierce the fabric with your threaded needle. Approach from your hoop’s throbbing undercarriage. Stop reading all those stupid vampire novels that make you use words like ‘pierce’ and ‘throb.’

STEP SIX: Carry on, ye beginner stitcher, with the Back Stitch. It may not be fancy, but a fine stitch she be, yargh.

STEP SEVEN: Pause the television show and get a beverage. It is important to stay hydrated while stitching.

STEP EIGHT: Finish stitching. Unless you have more important things to do than embroidery. Which is totally bogus, because there is nothing more important than subversive embroidery.

STEP NINE: Preheat your glue gun. If you do not own a glue gun, that means you have a life. Congratulations.

STEP TEN: Tighten the hoop as much as super-humanly possible. Trim only the batting down to the edge of the hoop, much as my daughter chews her fingernails down to the quick. Question: What is a ‘quick?’

STEP ELEVEN: Trim fabric, being careful to leave a margin of one - two inches or so.

STEP TWELVE: Take the fabric edge and glue it tightly down to the undercarriage of the hoop. Ask the hoop’s father for permission to marriage.

STEP THIRTEEN: . . . is an unlucky number.

STEP FOURTEEN: Glue a piece of stiffened felt or ‘E-Z Felt’ (as the French call it) to the back of your hoop. Trim away the excess. Now you have a glorious finished product. Go forth and share it with the world.





7 comments:

  1. Mr. Floozy: In that video dod you say that "alternative crafting is short for alternative crafting"?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi hi... I bought an "Awesomesauce" thinger from you ages ago and have been following you since. I'd like to try my hand at some of this stuff, do you use two pieces of fabric and the quilt batting in between?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Heya, Jen! Okay, so you only need one piece of fabric. The underside of your embroidery will just show your batting and your stitching. It can be ugly. That is what the felt is for-- to hide any mistakes or wonky knots or whatever.

      Delete
  3. You are a very immature person! I do not appreciate how rude you were to us and never want to have you over to our place again. Please, grow up!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear spambot or crazy troll person, I am honored that I was ever over to your house! Because I totally don't remember it! I apologize for immaturely pulling down my pants and pooping on your front porch. Was that wrong of me? I do not know the public pooping customs of your culture. Next time I will lay out a doily.

      Delete
    2. This reply to crazypants made my day. <3

      Delete