Monday, December 31, 2012

Les Weenie Boats

How was your Christmas break? Was it as luxuriously lazy as mine? I know that I should be writing that post I have planned -- the one that looks back on all of the crazy crap of 2012, but I will save that for later. INSTEAD, I have decided to give you the secret family recipe to WEENIE BOATS.

Let us begin. Gather your ingredients: 

4 (or 3) hot dogs
yellow mustard
1 cup mashed potatoes
2 slices of cheese, cut in half, thus making 4 slices. MATH.

Preheat your oven to 375degrees.

Schmancy Premium Beef Franks

Cut your weenies in half, lengthwise.

I should have been a surgeon.

Place weenies on baking sheet, cut-side up. Artistically drizzle the fine yellow mustard over les dogs.

Don't spill the yellow mustard on your expensive silk blouse. It stains.

Mashed potatoes. They don't mean anything, but they are important!

Purchased from Les Costco.

Spoon (or fork) the mashed potatoes on top of the boat-like wieners.

Mashed potatoes on hot dogs, guys!!! 
Place the cheese on top of your magnificent culinary creations.

I do not understand why Mr. Floozy doesn't let me cook more often.

Bake for 10-12 minutes.

Le magnifique!


May your new year be full of joy and Weenie Boats!

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

211 F-Bombs

I read J. K. Rowling's 'novel for grownups' when it came out in September. And man! That was some book. I haven't stopped thinking about The Casual Vacancy since then. I really loved it, but I wouldn't recommend it to everyone. My mom, for instance. My mom who crazy-loves Harry Potter would probably hate it. And maybe that has something to do with the TWO HUNDRED AND ELEVEN F-words. (Thank you, Kindle,  for giving me the exact number when I searched.) Oh, and the sex and the abuse and the drugs and the SEX. If you do decide to read this book, you are going to need a lot of chocolate because The Casual Vacancy is one long dementor's kiss.

Again, let me restate that I loved this book. Even though it had some extremely depressing moments. There are no perfect characters. This is the real Fifty Shades of Grey. No one in this book is either fully black or white. Okay, maybe some of them are 100% certifiably awful. But even the characters in the book that were likable, were not perfect. Far from it. My favorite character was the town slut, teenager Krystal Weedon. She was plucky and brave and ever-striving to make things better for her life and her family despite her situation. I heart Krystal Weedon! Probably a good third of those f-bombs came from Krystal Weedon's plucky, dirty mouth. I think it would be funny to stitch Krystal's version of a wizard swear. Some day. When I am in the mood to embroider so much NSFW hilarity, I will let Krystal fill in the bleeps of the Elder Swear.

In my opinion, The Casual Vacancy is one big Eff You! to all of the Potterheads who didn't get the underlying themes of classism and bigotry in the Harry Potter books. J. K. Rowling makes her politics perfectly clear in The Casual Vacancy. She is a flaming liberal. (Yay!) 

Like I said, this book is not for everyone. The easiest way for you to know if you would like this book or not is to ask yourself how much it bothered you when Rowling said that  Dumbledore was gay. If it bugged you a lot, skip this book. If you thought that a gay wizard was super fab, read this book.

I love you J. K. Rowling. And I think that if Harry Potter had to take on Krystal Weedon, she would kick his ass.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Jingle Bells, Batman Smells a GIVEAWAY!

UPDATE: May I introduce you to the winner!

Connie Labby
So much Christmookah and Festivus joy!!! Random acts of errant kindness and you'll shoot your eye out, kid.

So heya, Connie, could you please email me your address so that I can mail this to you?

Thanks to everybody who participated!

My heart grew three sizes yesterday, so I have decided to do a...


Well, this year I made another one. And it is even cooler because it could be hanging on your very own wall. Or you could win it and give it as a present to your favorite funny aunt. Whatever you want. Within reason. No, I will not fly to Neil Gaiman's house and knock on the door wearing a mistletoe hat to give him this. Except that, yeah, I would totally do that.

Deck the harrs
with boughs of horry
fa ra ra ra ra
ra ra ra ra.

How do you enter? Two ways. You can comment here on this blog post. Maybe wish me a merry christmukkah or whatever you celebrate this season. Solstice! Festivus! Dexter-Season-Finalevus!

Or you can earn double entry (being entered twice!(which is twice as awesome!)) and like me on Facebook here:

I know. I know. This is so lame of me. But I am trying to phase out posting on my own personal FB page the links to my floozy stuff and just have it posted on my Cotton Floozy page. This is actually an effort for me to be less annoying, not more, I promise. I mostly promise. Also, Mr. Floozy left Facebook and that dropped my number by one 'like' which really bugs me. 

Did I ever tell you how pretty you are?

What I will never do is tell you to follow me on Twitter. I super suck at Twitter. I am on it for the sole purpose of following funny people. And to stalk Neil Gaiman.

Okay, so if I have not made your heart shrink three sizes with this post about love and the holidays and free shiz, go ahead and comment! Or 'like' me on Facebook. OR to win ten thousand bonus entries, buy me a new snowblower. Ours is death-rattley.

This contest closes in TWO DAYS. On December 13th Thursday on the twelfth stroke of midnight. And then I will ship it out on the next day, IF you return to visit, to check if you won so you can give me your shipping address. If you don't let me know in time, I will randomly draw another person. Because there is a time crunch here, people. Christmas is nigh! 

Fah Who Foraze, Enter my Giveaway, Dah Who Doraze! 

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Not baguettes

"...sticking out like baguettes..."-Louis CK

Totally an innocent bag of baguettes.

Monday, December 3, 2012

I am deeply concerned about your health.

You know how I am able to see the search phrases that people have googled that have brought them to my site, right? Most people find my site by innocent searches such as 'The Cotton Floozy' and 'crochet bikini,' but occasionally there are a few that truly alarm me. For instance, I recently had someone google 'Why does my poop have cotton?' And thanks to Google, they ended up at my site. Dear Person Who Googled This, please seek medical help immediately! I don't think that pooping cotton is normal!

And in case now you are completely freaked out by this knowledge that I can cast my all-seeing Blogger-eye and know where you are from, how long you stay on my site, and what search phrase brought you here, FEAR NOT. I am much too lazy to go to deeply into the bowels (is pun, yeah?) of my analytics data. Plus, it really does feel invasive, and I respect your privacy to browse my site howsoever you desire.

And dude or dudette with the mysterious pooping condition, GO TO THE HOSPITAL.