Thursday, May 31, 2012

MAHANA YOU UGLY

You know what this quote is from, right? RIGHT?!


MAHANA YOU UGLY




There is a little known tropical paradise called Man Island where the main types of currency are cows and women. And Wonka bars. 


Here. Watch 'Johnny Lingo.' YOU ARE WELCOME.



Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Moar Napoleon Dynamite Embroidery

Remember how my friend Loria was in that lil' ol' heck rad movie Napoleon Dynamite? Yes? Is vaguely familiar? I only name-drop her all the time because to be in Napoleon Dynamite is sort of the equivalent of being a wizard from the British Isles. 


Earlier this month I made another 'I WANT THAT' sampler for an Etsy customer. 




And this time I upped the classiness of the order by having it signed by my friend, LORIA, she of Napoleon Dynamite FAME.






Because I believe in the magical power of black permanent Sharpies.

Friday, May 18, 2012

The Birthday Song -- Funeral Dirge Version

My family has this lovely low-pitched, slow-moving musical epilogue that we sing after every 'happy birthday to you!' 


It goes like this: 'Happy birthday. Oh happy birthday. There is misery in the air, people dying everywhere. So happy birthday.'


It sounds like a funeral dirge. 


And we always sing it, regardless of the calamities and deaths all around us. It cheers us up! I'm sure that there are times that we will skip it. Times when it would be too emotional and in poor taste, but most times, it just works for us. I got my subversive sense of humor from somewhere, people!


Today is the Floozy Muzey's birthday! And I made her this adorable bunting:






Isn't that so sweet?


happy birthday


there is misery


in the air


people dying everywhere


so ... happy birthday!




HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HOLLY! Eat some cake for me.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

your poop smells nice

WINNER UPDATE:


Who has the fairest poop story of them all? 


KITTY!


Unfortunately,one day my poor little boy wasn't feeling well. I placed him on the futon and put him down for a nap. He woke shortly after saying his tummy hurt. I walked over to see if maybe taking him to the bathroom would work. He was laying there in a little ball with his naked booty in the air. Just as I was about to ask he started to bear down. Seconds later a turd shot out like a cork from a celebratory bottle of wine! You could see the relief on his face and I'm sure he could see the horror on mine, as the flood gates opened and liquid stool started flowing forth! I snatched him up as quick as I could, and holding him at arms length, ran to the nearest bathroom! 


ALL of your poop stories were magnificent! But Kitty killed me with the 'turd shot out like a cork' sentence. 


thanks!


---


It's a GiiiivvvveAwaaaay! (Please tell me you read that in your head with an Oprah voice.)


Today's giveaway is this cute little bathroom birdie -- the last one from my Etsy shop. He wants you to feel good about your bowel movements.


'your poop smells nice'
Great for families besieged with potty-training!


I have sold a poopload of these birdies. And I won't be selling anymore of them until late this summer at craft fairs. So here is your last chance to procure one for awhile.


Make sure your guests feel comfortable
going Number Two in your guest bathroom!


Last night at my Stitch & Bitch, we started sharing potty training horror stories. One of my friend's son is currently learning how to defecate in the toilet with limited success. The biggest problem my friend has encountered is that her little boy is a budding artist. He likes to use his poop to finger paint. ALL OVER his entire bedroom. Another friend told us about how her sister has a framed picture of her kids playing with dump trucks full of what appears to be mud. Yeeeeaaaah.  And possibly the worst story shared last night was about a friend of a friend who had two children, close in age, both in diapers, who were caught taste-testing the contents of each other's diapers. OMG. 


WHO'S HUNGRY!


Back to the deets for this Giveaway! It ends a week from today (Thursday May 24th). Enter a comment in this post for a chance to win. This time instead of doing the random drawing thing, I'm going to have a contest. Please share your own horror stories about potty training. Whoever has the funniest, weirdest, and/or grossest story WINS! I will be the judge of whom I think deserves the birdie, but go ahead and comment about whose story you like best. I am easily influenced because I am a Pisces.


I know I have a few International readers who might also be interested in winning this charming wall sampler. Go ahead and enter. The birdie is light enough that it doesn't cost too much to ship.


Speaking of international peoples -- here is an 'appreciation photo' from one of my British customers.


Your poop smells nice, guv'nor!




But of course, here is my favorite appreciation photo.






OKAY ENTER NOW PLEASE FEEL FREE TO HORRIFY ME.

Monday, May 14, 2012

A Hospital Mouse

Here is a cute wittle hospital mouse I made for my nephew Gavin. Because he was in the hospital. The robe is an accurate representation of the hospital gown in that it has an impossible to understand tie-back situation.








I really don't have anything else to say this fine Spring Monday morning except....


SUMMER IS COMING*


And I am very very very scared.


*Way scarier than this.



Friday, May 11, 2012

How are we feeling lately? Plus, controversial tees and flowers.

How are we feeling lately about the giveaways? I didn't get a sense of general enthusiasm with this last Mother's Day one. Perhaps, that can be blamed on Mother's Day Angst? If not, what would you like to see for possible giveaways? Baby booties? Snarky samplers? Choose-your-own-quote embroideries? I'm listening. Unless you start telling me about the dream you had last night. In that case, I am tuning you out.


Priestess Raven was the winner of MomDay and I mailed this cutey to her grandma.


flibberty jibberty! a favorite grandma-swear!


MAY IS CRAZY. Isn't it just as jam-packed as December? What with the endless programs and field trips and gardening, oh my?! Oh, and random emergencies. My brother, who lives close and who is not only my sib, but one of my best friends, had a craptacular week. His adorable little kindergartner boy got suddenly, mysteriously ill and was shuttled back and forth between doctors and hospitals who could not figure out what was wrong. I think that their best guess final diagnosis was food poisoning. To help out, I watched my bro's little toddler for the day.


His identity is protected in case any evil fairies
are looking at my blog and want to fairy-nap him

and feed him acorns and pixy wings.


Since I got to dress him, I put on this t-shirt that I bought for him last year at Craft Lake City


Sarah Palin: CRAZY RETARDED


For a toddler, he's pretty controversial. Speaking of politics, here is a picture of the Bleeding Heart in my garden:


The best fertilizer for this plant
is the moral outrage of a bleeding-hearted liberal.


My mom wants to know why her Bleeding Heart isn't doing too great. I told her it's because she's a Republican.


For everyone out there on my side of the spectrum, I understand that you have the equivalent disapproval of Michael Moore. In that case, here is a picture from my garden for you:

Monday, May 7, 2012

WINTER IS COMING

Winter is Coming! Even though, sure, it's spring time right now, and I have the mega allergies to prove it, but according to the HBO show Game of Thrones, any day now ... Winter! Blammo!


WINTER IS COMING. DUN DUN DUUUNNN.


Do you also watch this show? Have you read the books? Are you not totally in love with Peter Dinklage? Do you make endless jokes about his name in your head? (There's nothing Dinklage about his Peter! I am so sorry.)

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Mother's Day Winner

Random.org has spoken. The winner is . . .

 Blogger PriestessRaven said...
Grandma is the one who showed me how to cross stitch and sorta embroider. I still have a pillowcase she made for me before her hands got too bad. She had all kinds of odd phrases but one of the ones that stuck out was "Flibberty Jibberty" She's say it when she was worn out from something and it always made me laugh. I <3 my Grandma
Hey PriestessRaven, email me the info for your Grandma! I love that I am going to stitch Flibberty Jibberty!

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Nekkid iPad

Have you ever seen an iPad without any sort of covering? It looks weird and naked. My sis-in-law Mari inherited an iPad and was worried about the nakedness of her iPad. She didn't want all of the other iPads making fun of it at Apple School, so she asked me to crochet a cozy.


iCozy






My iPad tries on the cozy. Is jealous.


So there it is. How exciting. I mean, iExciting.