Thursday, June 28, 2012

Reverse SAD and the biggest chocolate bar in the world.

I hate summer time. Like, hate hate. HATE. Am I painting you a picture?


I have self-diagnosed myself with Reverse SAD. It's basically seasonal affected disorder, but instead of getting all stabby in the winter due to lack of sunlight, people with the summer blues get stabby during the gawdawful summer months of heat and outdoor water parks and despair. Here is a really good article about THIS VERY REAL MENTAL ILLNESS SO DO NOT MOCK ME OR I SHALL STAB THEE WITH MY FLABBY ELBOW.


Which is why I made another one of 'Gentle Warning to My Children' Samplers. 


if you wake me up, i will wrap you in deli meats
 and throw you into a tank of horny man-eating porcupines.


I am super unloveable in the summer. But this giant candy bar my husband brought home from England has made me slightly more lovable. I put a crayon next to it to show scale.







The best thing about this chocolate? Is that all of the nutrition values are in British Poppycock, so I have no idea what they actually are, which means of course that they are 0 Calories, 0 fat grams, and 0 carbs. 

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Drugs make you a zombie who craves cauliflower

It has been a whirlwind here the last few weeks. We've spent a lot of time with our extended family, including Mr. Floozy's sister that we haven't seen for years because they live in Florida and Florida is the sinister throne of the Daystar.


So this is how I feel! 


The zombie who tries to wean
 himself from brains, sticks to a strict diet
 of cauliflower and prozac.




Hopefully, I will have more time to blog and mind-bend with you as the summer progresses. I was telling somebody the other day how I have a lot of friends that I have never met before. The person was dubious. But srsly. You guys are some of my favoritest peoples in the world. Thanks for pretending to be my friend back! 







Thursday, June 21, 2012

I only join Costco for the churros

There are a few things that I don't trust myself with, and one of those things is Costco. Mr. Floozy agrees and tries to keep me from driving the 45 minutes to get to our closest store. It's like I leave the house and then BLAMMO, two hours later we have mysteriously lost one hundred dollars. Mr. Floozy likes to claim immunity to Costco's Impulse Buys, but I like to remind him that he is the one who once came home with a boxed set of Sergio Leone dvds. 


Movies and random appliances are not my problem. Rather, I fall prey to the snack samples. Which taste so extra delicious while shopping. I swear they lace them with an opiate or Oprah's essence or something. I'll be standing there, idling my cart, munching on a pebbly cracker, spread with some sort of pulverized roasted vegetable and goat cheese concoction, when suddenly it is completely and totally necessary that I buy the snack to keep my family morally upright and healthy and disease-resistant. And even if I try to resist and walk away to start shopping elsewhere, that snack starts sending aftershocks of delicious flavor from the back of my teeth until I return and buy the product. Hence, a vat of hummus always seems to end up in my cart.


We go off and on our membership. Costco is like my family's complicated ex-boyfriend. Currently, we don't have a membership, but this autumn we will have a new Costco that is close to where we live! And I just know that one day I will be craving a churro and end up with a membership, a mongo brick of stinky cheese, a triple-sleeved box of imported scandinavian cookies, and enough allergy pills to make Charlie Sheen suddenly speak fluent Korean.


nosferatu likes churros, too!


Wednesday, June 20, 2012

If you had a sexy robot butler . . .

If you had a sexy robot butler . . . 






. . .  what would his capabilities be?


Right now this butler is set to 'foot rub' which can mean whatever you want it to mean. 






Perverts!


I have made this particular embroidery before, but this time I added a mustache and freehanded his face so now he has CRAZY EYES. 


But seriously! If you had a butler what would you have him do? (The subject of 'Everybody Ought to Have a Maid' has already been covered.) Would you have your butler open and close and open and close the door for your annoying pets? Would your butler wash your laundry AND put it away? Would your butler serve you diet coke in a fancy glass on a fancy pillow like Karl Lagerfeld's butler does? 


Diet Coke Butler


Right now Mr. Floozy is on a business trip in London hopefully picking up a glorious British accent. And even though this is the perfect time for me to pull The Sexy Robot Butler 2000 out of storage, I'm not going to. Because I am feeling so romantically inclined towards my husband. You know why? Because he has done so many incredibly sexy things this past two weeks. 


ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?


A few weeks ago Mr. Floozy stayed up with a puking dog. Who puked and puked, glob after glob. He cleaned it all up, and even made sure Weasley (the dog) was comfortably situated on an old towel before going to bed. The next week Mr. Floozy helped me when I puked and puked, glob after glob in the car. Perhaps I have told you this before, but I throw up a lot. And I pass out while doing it. This particularly lovely evening, I kept passing out and gurgle-spraying vomit everywhere. He got me home and into the shower and tucked me into bed. And then he spent a good chunk (chunk, haha!) of time cleaning out the car. I woke up with my clothes even washed and folded!


And lastly, Mr. Floozy really showed off his sexy skills when a few days ago we came home from a week long family reunion to a house ravaged by the bowels and bladder of an angry cat. (Who had been accidentally cut off from his litter box by our adorable cat sitter -- my dad. LOVE YOU DAD!) And what did Mr. Floozy do? Instead of handing it all over to me while he prepared for his very important business presentations for his upcoming London trip, he cleaned up every piss spray and turd. While I sat out on the porch and drank a big glass of cheap wine. 


So yeah, I know that I talk about gross things a lot on this blog, but LOOKIE! I talked about sexy things, too!


And now my son is telling me that one of the dogs has diarrhea. COME HOME TO ME MR. FLOOZY. 


Ahem.


SO HEY GUYS, here is a bathroom sampler I made for my sis-in-law while at the family reunion.


HOME is not where the Heart is. home is where you poop most comfortable.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Seagulls Puking Rainbows

I added a new banner. Up there.


Isn't it lovely? It's an original floozy piece of seagulls puking rainbows. The seagull is Utah's state bird, and I thought that in honor of the lgbt pride parade that I totally missed last Sunday because I am afraid of the sun that I would have them puke rainbows. Instead of crickets. You heard me. If you don't know the story of The Miracle of the Gulls, read about it here. It's a Utah thing.