Wednesday, October 31, 2012

THE INVISIBLE PEDESTRIAN


Remember Saturday Night Live in the good 'ol days? Remember Jack Handy?


      

“If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.”



Yesterday I finished embroidering that Jack Handy quote up thar and gave it to my friend, Jack. 

Here is another one of my favorites: 


"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad." --Jack Handy


Speaking of SNL . . .I went to a Halloween party 
over the weekend and nobody got what my costume was.

I was The Invisible Pedestrian! I had to take my costume out on the street to demonstrate. 

See? INVISIBLE.

Please don't run over me with your car.
No one remembers this classic skit from Saturday Night Live? Where Dan Aykroyd plays a sleazy toy salesman who makes unsafe toys for children including 'Johnny Human Torch' which was an outfit made of oily rags and a bic lighter.

Here's an excerpt from the skit about The Invisible Pedestrian:

Joan Face: Alright, Mr. Mainway, if you don't think that was unsafe, how about this Halloween costume, which you market under the label "Invisible Pedestrian"? [ holds up the costume ] It's an all black suit, gloves and mask. Now, it seems to me, Mr. Mainway, a child wearing this costume at night to go trick-or-treating is in grave danger of being hit by a car!

Irwin Mainway: Car? What do you mean "car", Miss Face? I mean, a car is a pretty big object, right? I mean, kids are smart today, you know? They know when a car is coming at 'em to jump out of the way. I mean, most of the kids I know go trick-or-treating at houses, right? You don't see too many kids walking along the expressway knocking on windshields looking for treats. This is a "sidewalk" costume!

Joan Face: A "sidewalk" costume?

Irwin Mainway: Yeah! I mean, you know, we don't recommend this for blind kids. See, there's a warning right on the label - "Invisible Pedestrian, Not For Blind Kids." [ turns packaging around to show this warning in big bold letters ] Huh?


FUNNY STUFF.

Okay, I am headed out the door now to my job. I will not be The Invisible Pedestrian. Rather I will be Bob Marley wearing a Ghostbusters shirt. It works.

Sorry about the formatting weirdness. Sometime I will switch from Blogger because it makes my veins throb.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN?

What is your favorite SNL skit? What is your favorite Jack Handy quote?

Thursday, October 25, 2012

FLOOSIE ON THE RUN


How dope is that book cover? How dope is it that I just used the word 'dope' for my very first time. 




This book is a treasure trove of awesome. A TROVE. The word 'trove' makes no sense without the 'treasure' part. 

Here are some of my favorites:


Lady Butler makes Sexy Robot Butler jealous.
Um, ouch?
I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE! I SPIT ON IT!
That's one sexy rat. 
Red Headed Wench.
How I wish
this was called,
 'Ginger Wench.'

Friday, October 19, 2012

Inspirational Words

Today I want you to draw a special, warm, bubbly bath in your mind and look at this hand-painted wooden board that I made with love and tenderness and soft soft baby-butt feelings.

Inspirational Words

I plan on writing up a Floozy Finds over on Happy Valley Crafters this weekend about all of those lovely Wooden Boards with Meaningless Words that I see all over Utah County. Until then, feast your eyes on this:



These are photos of me last October wearing my Little Lady Lingerie that I bought at The Quilted Bear in Provo. Best. Creepy. Halloween. Costume. Ever Amen.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

BINDERS FULL OF WOMEN

BINDERS FULL OF WOMEN


I made this for my gal pal, Joanna Brooks. Even though she was recently on The Daily Show and has never gotten back to me about which Campbell's® soup Jon Stewart most closely resembles. Assuming that she licked his forehead. You did, right, Joanna? Duh, of course you did. His forehead tastes like Campbell's® kosher Vegetarian Vegetable soup, I bet.

I have been watching the debates. In my head. From all of my friends' Facebook statuses. Which I am totally sure counts. I was glad to hear that Ritt Momney has a Binder Full of Women, because, HEY! I do, too.

Truly my favorite part of last night's debate, though, was when Ritt Momney and Obamarama circled each other for a few agonizing minutes and then made out. HOTT.

The VP debate was also entertaining. It was inspirational to see how far Screech from Saved By the Bell has come since graduating from Bayside High School.


Screech


Screech all growed up.


Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Just say, 'No! ArrRrgeaugh!' to Haunted Houses!

So totally not Mom-Aprroved.

A few weekends ago we went to Frightmares at Lagoon -- a local carny/amusement park that gets all Halloweened out in October. It was really fun except that I was relentlessly mocked and pressured because of my refusal to go near anything scary,which included roller-coasters, haunted houses, and the bathroom next to the Arby's. Every time I saw a ride that looked Mom-Approved, I said, 'Hey! Let's go on that nice, slow roller coaster!' And now I have the name of my Mom Band -- Slow Roller Coaster! Who's in? 

Lagoon has about three or four Not-Mom-Approved haunted houses. Only Mr. Floozy and Boy Floozy were willing to go through them. Despite my love for scary, zombie-filled urban fantasy fiction, I refuse to go into a haunted house. Or rather, the only way that I would go on a haunted house is if this happened:




The things I would need:

1. A Kiddie Wagon to be pulled by a trustworthy person who has been vetted by The International Nanny Association.

2. Pope-Mobile Glass to protect me.

3. Noise-cancelling headphones.

4. An adult diaper.

5. A large amount of personal space.

6. A handy blanket for comfort and to pull over my eyes as needed.

7. A belief in a Higher Power.


We are probably going to go to Frightmares again before this month is out. I plan on going on a few nice slow roller coasters and eating a funnel cake made by a monosyllabic teenager who has lofty culinary aspirations.

What are your Halloween plans? And do you go to haunted houses? And if so, why?! WHY?!?!

Friday, October 12, 2012

My New Joob

Caffeine is my favorite vitamin.

La de freakin' da, people, I have a joooooob! I am a barista now. Which is soooo close to being a barrister like Mark Darcy.

I work here -- at Java Junkies. 1180 North Main St, Springville, Utah! Yeehaw!


A Shack of Delicious Beverages


It is like the Tardis. Much bigger on the inside than on the outside. 

Will you come and pretty please por favor visit me? I am in training right now, but next week I should start working in the afternoons rather regular-like. I would love to see your face. You are so beautiful. Have I ever told you that? It is true.

And don't worry if you are Mormon and don't drink coffee! A lot of our business is hot-chocolate related. Why, I have already seen two sets of missionaries since I've been there for three days. TWO SETS. A Boy Set. And a Lady Set. (Look for their action figures at Deseret Book!)


The Cotton Floozy makes the best hot chocolate
in all the Land of Zion!
And if you do drink coffee? Well, lemme tell ya. There is some fine espresso drinks at Java Junkies. That I am learning to make. Right before I become a British Lawyer (barrister) like Mr. Mark Darcy.


Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Cereal Killer

I love this Halloweenie time of year, because basically it is how the inside of my head looks all year. You know ... witches, demons, ghosts, evil fae ... the main creatures of urban fantasy (my favorite genre). 

My super cool artist cousin, Ryan, has FREE Halloween coloring pages on his site. (You won't steal them or use them unaccredited, right? Right. I knew you wouldn't.) He puts these up every year and you can download them and print them and make your kids and adult kids happy for at least a solid hour or so. I always find myself coloring a few of them.

The first year he made these coloring pages available, he had a contest. And guess who won FIRST PLACE?!

Frankenstein likes
long walks on the Miami beach,
virgin daiquiris, and his dad.


If you said my name, you are wrong. I got Honorable Mention. I WAS ROBBED.

I don't think he is having a contest this year. Which is a shame, because this year I would nail it. 

Meanwhile, go to his site, print them out, and either show Ryan on his Facebook page, or send them to me and I'll make sure Ryan gets to see them, too. Maybe. If he admits that I should have won first place and a pony.

Ryan is actually the person who inspired today's Halloween Embroidery. He gave me the phrase, "You can't spell 'slaughter' without laughter!" (And perhaps you are wondering why I caved and used double punctuation marks? That is because it is Dame Toadstool's birthday and I am generous like that.)

you can't spell "slaughter" without laughter.
RIP Lucky Charms, Corn Pops, Froot Loops, Trix.
Happy Halloween!

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

I prefer the term 'Bookpupa.'

My gal pal, Jennifer does a weekly spotlight called BOOKWORM WEDNESDAY. I am her guest blogger for this week. You should do it, too! Email her. We can emerge from our pupal stages into massively dorky bookbutterflies together! I have no idea what that sentence I just wrote even means!

'Infinite Jest.' Best. Doorstop. Ever.
My apologies to David Foster Wallace. May he rest in peace.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

The Other 'F' Word

Let's talk about FATTY FATTY FATNESS.

But first, let's read this little snack of an article by Her Royal Awesomeness -- J. K. Rowling:

“Fat’ is usually the first insult a girl throws at another girl when she wants to hurt her.

I mean, is ‘fat’ really the worst thing a human being can be? Is ‘fat’ worse than ‘vindictive’, ‘jealous’, ‘shallow’, ‘vain’, ‘boring’ or ‘cruel’? Not to me; but then, you might retort, what do I know about the pressure to be skinny? I’m not in the business of being judged on my looks, what with being a writer and earning my living by using my brain…

I went to the British Book Awards that evening. After the award ceremony I bumped into a woman I hadn’t seen for nearly three years. The first thing she said to me? ‘You’ve lost a lot of weight since the last time I saw you!’

‘Well,’ I said, slightly nonplussed, ‘the last time you saw me I’d just had a baby.’

What I felt like saying was, ‘I’ve produced my third child and my sixth novel since I last saw you. Aren’t either of those things more important, more interesting, than my size?’ But no – my waist looked smaller! Forget the kid and the book: finally, something to celebrate!

I’ve got two daughters who will have to make their way in this skinny-obsessed world, and it worries me, because I don’t want them to be empty-headed, self-obsessed, emaciated clones; I’d rather they were independent, interesting, idealistic, kind, opinionated, original, funny – a thousand things, before ‘thin’. And frankly, I’d rather they didn’t give a gust of stinking chihuahua flatulence whether the woman standing next to them has fleshier knees than they do. Let my girls be Hermiones, rather than Pansy Parkinsons.”


 J.K. Rowling


A gust of stinking chihuahua flatulence! I LOVE YOU, J.K. ROWLING!! And I am going to read your book for 'grown-ups' and love it even if I don't love it, because I love you.

I have two daughters, and let me tell ya, they are already using the 'f' word. Recently, my youngest, who is nine, whispered to me that she was 'afraid of getting fat.' And I could have answered, 'You won't get fat if you eat healthy and exercise!' But I didn't say that. Instead I said, 'Well, you're a girl, which means it will be really hard for you to stay just one size. You probably will get fat at some point in your life and you probably will also be skinny sometimes, too. And sometimes, your weight will be right in the middle. But you will always always be beautiful.' 

It's tough to be a woman! In the near future there will be a video up on the Craft Lake City site of me dorking out in front of the camera about being the Cotton Floozy. And I just know that the one overpowering thought I will have is how fat I look. How lame of me to have that be my greatest fear! Which is probably why I won't let myself watch that video. Please don't let me watch that video. Body slam me to the floor if necessary. These last few years my hormones and my brain chemicals have run amok! (Isn't 'amok' the best word ever?) AND IT IS OKAY. It is okay that my weight has suffered consequently. It is okay that I have been all over the scale. Deep breath.

I am woman, hear me MOAR.

But there is one thing that will always be a constant. I am beautiful. Not because I am beautiful necessarily, but because I am beautiful. Trust me, that makes sense if you use the right inflections.  And more than anything I want my daughters to know that regardless of what life throws at them, be it celery sticks or Snickers bars, their beauty is a constant. 

Let them fly, flyyyyyyyyy high against the sky* because I am the glorious gassy chihuahua wind beneath their wings.

And as Nick Frost's character said in that movie, 'Paul,' that me** and about five other people saw: It's not fat, it's POWER.

It's not fat. It's POWER.

God bless everyone and Lady Gaga!


* to be sung in your best Bette Midler voice.

** yes, I know it's supposed to be 'I.' Shut it.