Thursday, January 10, 2013

Putting My Pants on One Jerk at a Time

May Kurt Cobain bless thee and keep thee.
So, this happened.

I was on the radio.
I come in just a few minutes after the commercial break. It was . . . fun? I tried to minimize my dorkiness as much as possible. I'm not sure if Bill tried to minimize his curmudgeonly mountain hobo as much as possible. A lot of listeners and friends were concerned, that, to quote a few texters, 'Bill was being a dick.' Now, when I was doing the interview, I didn't feel that way. And after listening to the interview again, I still don't feel that way. Was he kind of rude? Sure. But, that is sort of the schtick. The show is called Radio From Hell, not Delilah Loves You, Fuzzy Wuzzy. My handiwork is not perfect.  Purposefully so. That's my schtick. I stitch not so that I end up with great works of art. You can tell by the photo of the X96 sampler that the lines are kind of wobbly, that the stitches aren't perfectly even, and that Bill's face looks way too beatific for the curmudgeonly mountain hobo that he is.

Honestly, I stitch because it is an extension of the writer in me. To write words on fabric. To make jokes. To steal other people's jokes. To cheer people up. And when my 'work' is insulted, I think that's effing hilarious. Some of the things I make are certifiably fugly. But hopefully appreciated.

Even though I solemnly swear on a stack of pancakes that my feelings weren't hurt, I did get a glimpse into some of the stress that a few of my friends have been going through for their decision to wear pants to church. Pants. To wear. On leg parts. Church.

Here is a very good article about it from NPR. If you google it you will find dozens of very good articles and thousands of crazy comments from the local Utah online news mags.

Now, I know that there were a lot of wonderful, smart mormons who didn't agree with the whole ladies wearing pants to church idea. I know that there were a lot of wonderful, smart mormons who did agree with the rights of women to respectfully and peacefully wear pants to church. But these were not the people that commented on the internet. It is a well known fact that crazy people have three extra digits per hand and can type 2000 words per minute.  And some of my friends took a beating.

Not cool, guys. Not cool.

So I made my friend Stephanie* -- the lady who started The Pants Movement -- this pillow, so that she can rest her weary head and drool all over it when people are jerks to her.

They came.
They saw.
They wore pants
People really can be jerks, but I believe that most people try hard not to be jerks when they are one-on-one with someone. Face to face. Eyeball to eyeball. Nose ring to nose ring. Skin tag to skin tag. I believe that the jerkiness happens the safer and more distanced we feel from each other. You know? DO YOU FEEL ME, PEOPLE.

So, back to the Radio From Hell show . . . . They invited me to come to their studio and 'finish' the embroidery. SO FINISH IT I SHALL. I am planning on going up there, taking my damn needle and thread and making them all look like geishas.

And it's not going to stop there. No. I am going to regularly visit the studio, take that embroidery off their wall (or out from under Bill's coffee mug) and re-stitch it. Make it change with the seasons. Add costumes. You know, like those lawn goose statues that have all of the cute outfits.

I AM OPEN TO SUGGESTIONS. What would you like Kerry, Bill, Gina, and Dead Kurt to wear? I already have 'bozo makeup' in the line-up submitted by a friend. I'm also thinking that Snuggies would be super rad. What do you think?

Tell me what you want me to stitch or appliqué over this embroidery. Here, I'll post it again so you don't have to scroll.

I'm actually glad that Bill called this embroidery 'unfinished,' because think of the multitude of ways I can finish it! The possibilities are endless. Maniacal laugh.

Give me your ideas, and until then, don't be a jerk. You stay classy, San Diego.

*Okay, Stephanie is more like a friend of a friend. But we communicate via the interwebs and are planning on consummating our friendship in front of the painted black, looks-like-something-else-when-upside-down ice-cream cone at Jimmy John's.


  1. Hahaha! I love the cotton floozy. Skin tag to skin tag! Upside down Ice cream @ Jimmy John's! I want to start every day by reading your blog. Can I? please? Thanks.

    1. Is there anything more disturbing than those Tag Away commercials on TV? Answer: no.

  2. Sasquatches.


  3. I heart you so much they could put it on a conversation heart.

    In addition to Bozo makeup, I suggest Kiss makeup, hula girls, santa's elves, zombies, and with extraordinarily complicated hats.


  4. Well, if you think about it . . . Kurt Cobain was still sorta "unfinished" when he passed, yes? There you go. All better. You're welcome.

    Vampires. But don't you DARE make them sparkly. Kurt would haunt your ass forever.

    1. I think that I will make everybody into smoldering, sexy vampires, except Bill. I am going to bedazzle the shit out of Bill's face.

      This is definitely what I am going to do for the Halloween season.

  5. Bill was a dick. He was. You did great. You took the high road to Radio from Hell. . . and sorry, but I have no suggestions for your project. Also, Bill was a dick.

    Thanks for your comment on my blog.

    P.S. I was the lone-pants-wearer in my ward. God is good.

    1. You wore pants! That is awesome. I wore pants, too. But I stayed home. I didn't have any anti-anxiety meds to take. Lately, that's the only way I can make it into a church.

      You are a superb poet, Melody. Thanks for posting.

  6. Removing skin tags does not have to be painful
    The best method of removal depends on their size and location.

  7. The last thing to consider is the cost of the mattress. Affordability can have a big influence over whether to buy a pillow top mattress or not. The amount of money a person is willing to invest on a good mattress is completely up to the individual. best pillows for sleeping india

  8. Thank you so much as you have been willing to share information with us. We will forever admire all you have done here because you have made my work as easy as ABC. cotton mattress cover

  9. Excellent Article. Had a great time reading. Thank you for sharing the article. Flipkart Yes Bank Offers

    Flipkart Bank Of Baroda