Friday, February 22, 2013

Toxic Waste Dump

I kill electronics.

Here is proof.



I was using a light box to trace an embroidery pattern, when suddenly FSZZZZTT! the wire sparked and immediately broke off from the thingey.

Unrelated Tangent:

There is this very cool website called The Dialectizer where you can put in your sentence or phrase and it will spit out a dialectized version. Your choices include Redneck, Jive, Cockney, Elmer Fudd, Swedish Chef, Moron, Pig Latin, and Hacker. Go follow that link. Have fun. Or as the Swedish Chef would say, "Gu fulloo thet leenk. Hefe-a foon. Bork bork bork!" I think that The Dialectizer should add "Mom." Everything would be translated to sound like, "Go find that thingey that's in the thing by the thingey!" Whenever I say something like that to my children, I completely expect them to understand what I'm saying. About THE THINGEY THAT'S IN THE THING BY THE THINGEY. What is terrifying is that they often do know exactly what I mean.

End of Unrelated Tangent. 

So, I kill electronics. If I put on a watch, it will stop working after 20 minutes. If I take if off and put it on the counter, it will start working again. I put it on. It stops. I take it off. It works. For the last year or so my iPad will suddenly go MEH, I'm tired. Good night. And then shut itself off. This happens approximately thirty times a day. My brain does the exact same thing thirty times a day, so I don't really blame my iPad. Often when I wave my hands in front of a television or a computer monitor, I can get it to completely shut off. Or at the very least, have static. And ever since I have started working in a coffee shack, the electronics have been unpredictable and wonky. The blender repeatedly turns itself on. OR maybe the shack has a poltergeist. Both of those are fun options.

After being married to me for a zillion years, my husband completely believes me. Anytime he is working on something electrical, whether he is downloading a music album or rewiring the thingey under the thing, he has me take three steps back. The chance for successfully executing whatever electronic thing he was doing, greatly improves the farther away I am from THE THINGEY. 

Tell me why I am this way, good people. But don't tell me that I am so radioactive that I gave my mom cancer because I am, AND I QUOTE, "a toxic waste dump."

Yes, that really happened last April. A frenemy (one of only one person I have ever unfriended on Facebook) told me that because my mom lived close to me, well, duh! of course she got cancer. Basically, my mom is a downwinder of me.

I am so over being hurt by this. I finally told my mom this story over lunch yesterday and she shrugged, reminding me that I cried every time I got home from hanging out with this person. My mother's color was not surprised.

I have known this frenemy since I was a kid, and man, it feels good to no longer have her in my life. But still! Maybe Ms. Frenemy Turd was right! I break thingeys with my wonky magnetic thingeys! Like watches and iPads. And mothers?

I really really hope I don't give people cancer with my radioactivity. 

I really really hope I give people super powers instead.


8 comments:

  1. Street lights often go out when I drive by them. I also make electronics sleepy. My grandmother killed watches, much like you.The only explanation I have come up with is that we are witches.

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  2. i know of at least one person who has similar problems, less severe mind you. You might just conduct a lot more electricity than most people, maybe an alkaline ph? You can be the real life Frankie Stein from Monster High!

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  3. Yup, you must be a wizard like Harry Dresden!!

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    1. Yes Dresden! I thought the SAME thing!

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  4. I love that you blogged about this :) I appreciate your radioactiveness!

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  5. Not radioactive . . . electromagnetic! Or maybe effervescent? Yeah, let's go with that.

    (Psst, you're totally a witch . . . Johi nailed it). :)

    Oh, and I had one of those people in my life that just made me feel bad about myself all the time. Ditched her years ago, but she was my bestie since we were toddlers. It does indeed feel like a weight removed from your soul. Brava to you!!

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  6. I love you all so much. And yes I am a Wizard or Witch or Wizitch.

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