Tuesday, March 26, 2013

'I Just Want to Pee [or Poop] Alone' Book Review

I remember a time when my kids were young and sticky and would never leave me alone, not even when I went to the bathroom. They would knock knock knock and 'Mom, Mom, Mom' me, relentlessly, mercilessly. Sometimes they would even slip a note under the door to let me know that their bums hurt or that Halloween was only eight months away and they really needed to figure out their costumes right that very second. When you are in the bathroom (or on the phone), it suddenly becomes extremely urgent for your children to question you to death. And now that my kids are older and need about as much attention as houseplants, my dogs have become my needy babies. Whenever I am locked in the bathroom, they yip at me and stick their paws under the door and ask me if I can make Ewok costumes for them for Halloween which is only eight months away. Kids! Pets! Houseplants!

If you have experienced any of the above, then I have the book for you! I Just Want to Pee Alone is a collection of hilarious posts by mommy bloggers. Now, I am very particular about what blogs I read, because I am easily bored and do not like your perfect instagram photos of your perfect instagram family. Sorry. Those are the types of mommy blogs I skip, because, hell, I already feel bad about all of my mommy screw-ups, including that time I let my kids eat a splattered pie off the floor.



That is a lie. I feel completely fine about my kids eating pie off the floor.

No. The mommy blogs that I prefer have to be honest and real and full of unabashed hilarity.

My friend Johi from Confessions of a Cornfed Girl is a contributor for this book. Not only is Johi funny and an excellent writer, but she is genuine. She has a good heart. And that comes through in her writing.

Cornfed Girl is beautiful while she sleeps
wearing the BACK OFF mask I made for her.


Plus, Johi sends me birthday presents. I am easily bribed. Her latest gift to me was her book 'I Just Want to Pee Alone.' Fabulous. This is her inscription:


Do you see the funny? I also appreciated her wish for me to 'walk in the shade wherever [I] go,' because she knows how much I hate the sun. Also the drawing of the 'unipone' is pretty kickass.

Johi's chapter in the book is titled, 'What You Mock, You Become.' Of course, as soon as I got the book I skipped to her chapter to read it first. Besides priceless sentences like this one: 'Is Satan related to the person who invented roller skates?,' there is a deeper truth embedded in her writing. And that truth is don't be a dick cuz karma is a bitch. That Johi, she is as wise as Laozi or Winnie the Pooh.

Speaking of poo.... I have one issue with the book. I think it should have been named, 'I Just Want to POOP alone' because according to the search results on my kindle, the words 'poop' and 'poo' occur 38 times in the book whereas the word 'pee' is only used 21 times. Okay, never mind. That is still a lot of peeing. Keep the book title. Carry on.

My friendly bathroom.
'your poop smells nice'
and
'I Just Want to Pee Alone'


Other words frequently used:

boob: 25 times
wine: 20 times
vagina: 50 times
and
f*ck: 38 times (which ties with the word 'poop!')

These ladies don't hold back.

The chapter by Patti Ford (Insane in the Mom Brain) describes a few classic mothering mishaps. One of which involves poop. Perhaps you can take a guess from the title, 'Eat Poop, Laugh. No, I Did Not Forget a Comma.' I love her writing style as well. I highlighted the crap out of her chapter on my kindle: 'Sometimes it's just best not to be home alone with a child who was seemingly sent to this earth for the sole purpose of finding your breaking point.' True that.

Another chapter I loved was, 'Love, Tears, and a Few Scattered Ashes,' by Meredith Spidel from Mom of the Year. I don't want to give the story's climax (tee hee hee) away, but let's just say that it involves cremains, black clothes, and a windy day. (I just totally gave it away, didn't I.) This essay was bittersweet and life-affirming.

But the chapter that affected me the most was Susan McLean's 'Tale of Two Vaginas.' I read that book while nearly biting my index finger off. (BTW, my hand is deliciously salty.) I might have passed out twice. Her birth story was eerily familiar to mine with a failed birth plan and a doctor who suddenly left during the middle of pushing. Thanks a lot, doctor! I really appreciated the bill for that time you did not catch my baby! Again, I don't want to give away the punchline, because you must read it for yourself. You simply must. This is a story that everyone should read. In fact, you should read it to your kids over family dinner. And just for kicks, give the book as a gift at a baby shower and emphasize that the mother-to-be read this chapter. (I still hope that there were expecting parents touring the hospital while I screamed as I gave birth to my daughter.) I have a sick, sick sense of humor.

'I Just Want to Pee Alone' made me laugh, cry, and develop a taste for human flesh.

So, what are you waiting for! Go buy the book!

23 comments:

  1. Oh crap, when was your birthday?

    What? Did I miss the point entirely? Sorry. But I LOVE to send shit to people on their bdays (not literally, because ewww). So I am all sad that I missed it now.

    I will get and read this book at some point. It is on my list . . .

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  2. Oh, my birthday was last month. I think that you, Johi, and I all have birthdays within a few days of each other.

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  3. Oh THANK YOU! This is wonderful and I am so happy that you loved the book and the unipone! *Happy Dance*

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  4. Thank you for the outstanding review! I love, love, love that you let your kids eat pie off of the floor. You, m'lady, are my kind of people.

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  5. This f**kiing rocked poopy boobs! Thanks so much for writing this up for us! I want to throw down a pie on the floor in your honor just so my kids can par-tay!! Funniest pic I've seen in awhile!

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  6. You are hilarious!!! And what do I need to do to get one of those sleep masks?! Thanks for the amazing review!

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  7. You rock!! Thanks for the write-up and who let's perfectly good pie go to waste? Not me and not you. Glad to find you through my co-authors!

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  8. Oh my goodness. This is a freakin hilarious write up about out book. Thank you SO much for all the kind words! I'm glad Johi sent us your way!
    Tracy @ Momaical

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  9. First time to read you thanks to Johi and this perfectly magnificent review...and I've decided to camp out and eat pie off the floor with your children.
    Thank you for reading, laughing and sharing! And btw, you need to have a whole line of "Your Poop Smells Nice" merch for bathrooms. Fantastic!

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  10. These comments are the best! And anybody interested in a sleeping mask or a Bathroom birdie or pretty much anything you want embroidered, just shoot me an email at thecottonfloozy[at]gmail[dot]com. We can work something out.

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  11. You know why I'm happy right now? I'm pretty sure my essay contained the MOST REFERENCES OF POOP! At least 20 of those were mine, right?? Right?? Yea me!! Thanks for this kick-ass review. Also? I kind of love you for that pie-eating pic.

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    1. I should totally make you a blue ribbon for that.

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  12. This is the best review of our book yet. I'd make you something really cool to hang on your wall, but, I couldn't possibly create anything better than a bathroom sign that says Your Poop Smells Nice. That is all the award anyone needs.

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  13. If I could needlepoint, I'd make you something nice. Instead I got you this comment: "ZOMG this is a great review and you're a pretty fabulous writer."

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  14. I'm fairly certain that I am responsible for 30 of the 38 times the EFF word was used. :)

    Thanks for this awesome review!!

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  15. This was so nice and I'm so glad you enjoyed my story! Nothing like cremains to bring the fun, huh? ;) You are hysterical and thanks so much!

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  16. Thank you for the great review! And I would just like to mention that I only used the "F" word once and I buried it in a super long curse stream in hope that my grandma would get confused and skip past that word.

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    1. Your invented swear is especially fun to sing the song Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

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  17. I eat pie off the floor, AND I think all these mamas are hilarious. We clearly have lots in common - thanks for the awesome review!

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  18. Eating pie off the floor is wrong? Thank you for this review!

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  19. First, if you can relate in any way, shape (or lack there of), or form to my story I'm sorry! But I'm glad you enjoyed it along with the rest of the book. I'm your newest fan! Thank you for the great review! Looking forward to reading more from you!

    ~Susan McLean aka Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva

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    1. I am sad for myself that I can relate to your story. But of all the birth stories I have heard, yours wins hands down.

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  20. Although I did like it when they were cheaper, honest diapers are still my favorite. My 3rd child is now in these & out of 3 kids never have these leaked!!! And I love the orgainc material that just makes it better to use them!!

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