If you have experienced any of the above, then I have the book for you! I Just Want to Pee Alone is a collection of hilarious posts by mommy bloggers. Now, I am very particular about what blogs I read, because I am easily bored and do not like your perfect instagram photos of your perfect instagram family. Sorry. Those are the types of mommy blogs I skip, because, hell, I already feel bad about all of my mommy screw-ups, including that time I let my kids eat a splattered pie off the floor.
That is a lie. I feel completely fine about my kids eating pie off the floor.
No. The mommy blogs that I prefer have to be honest and real and full of unabashed hilarity.
My friend Johi from Confessions of a Cornfed Girl is a contributor for this book. Not only is Johi funny and an excellent writer, but she is genuine. She has a good heart. And that comes through in her writing.
|Cornfed Girl is beautiful while she sleeps |
wearing the BACK OFF mask I made for her.
Plus, Johi sends me birthday presents. I am easily bribed. Her latest gift to me was her book 'I Just Want to Pee Alone.' Fabulous. This is her inscription:
Do you see the funny? I also appreciated her wish for me to 'walk in the shade wherever [I] go,' because she knows how much I hate the sun. Also the drawing of the 'unipone' is pretty kickass.
Johi's chapter in the book is titled, 'What You Mock, You Become.' Of course, as soon as I got the book I skipped to her chapter to read it first. Besides priceless sentences like this one: 'Is Satan related to the person who invented roller skates?,' there is a deeper truth embedded in her writing. And that truth is don't be a dick cuz karma is a bitch. That Johi, she is as wise as Laozi or Winnie the Pooh.
Speaking of poo.... I have one issue with the book. I think it should have been named, 'I Just Want to POOP alone' because according to the search results on my kindle, the words 'poop' and 'poo' occur 38 times in the book whereas the word 'pee' is only used 21 times. Okay, never mind. That is still a lot of peeing. Keep the book title. Carry on.
|My friendly bathroom.|
'your poop smells nice'
'I Just Want to Pee Alone'
Other words frequently used:
boob: 25 times
wine: 20 times
vagina: 50 times
f*ck: 38 times (which ties with the word 'poop!')
These ladies don't hold back.
The chapter by Patti Ford (Insane in the Mom Brain) describes a few classic mothering mishaps. One of which involves poop. Perhaps you can take a guess from the title, 'Eat Poop, Laugh. No, I Did Not Forget a Comma.' I love her writing style as well. I highlighted the crap out of her chapter on my kindle: 'Sometimes it's just best not to be home alone with a child who was seemingly sent to this earth for the sole purpose of finding your breaking point.' True that.
Another chapter I loved was, 'Love, Tears, and a Few Scattered Ashes,' by Meredith Spidel from Mom of the Year. I don't want to give the story's climax (tee hee hee) away, but let's just say that it involves cremains, black clothes, and a windy day. (I just totally gave it away, didn't I.) This essay was bittersweet and life-affirming.
But the chapter that affected me the most was Susan McLean's 'Tale of Two Vaginas.' I read that book while nearly biting my index finger off. (BTW, my hand is deliciously salty.) I might have passed out twice. Her birth story was eerily familiar to mine with a failed birth plan and a doctor who suddenly left during the middle of pushing. Thanks a lot, doctor! I really appreciated the bill for that time you did not catch my baby! Again, I don't want to give away the punchline, because you must read it for yourself. You simply must. This is a story that everyone should read. In fact, you should read it to your kids over family dinner. And just for kicks, give the book as a gift at a baby shower and emphasize that the mother-to-be read this chapter. (I still hope that there were expecting parents touring the hospital while I screamed as I gave birth to my daughter.) I have a sick, sick sense of humor.
'I Just Want to Pee Alone' made me laugh, cry, and develop a taste for human flesh.
So, what are you waiting for! Go buy the book!