Monday, April 15, 2013


My son overslept because he thought it was Sunday. Poor child, I was the one who had to break it to him that it was indeed Monday and that he had approximately none minutes to get ready in time to make it to the bus. 

My daughter sat on my lap while I clipped her blinged-out-hooker barrette on the side of her head. She sighed, 'Why are Mondays stupid.' And I answered, 'Because Garfield said so.' And she nodded her head, like sure, that makes sense.

And now I am watching my dogs out the window, eating their poop. Let me clarify. I am not the one eating the poop. Yesterday I paid none dollars for a kindle book: 'STOP YOUR DOG FROM EATING POO!' A title that deserves all-caps and an exclamation point, if ever there was one. I think I will be reading this book today, because that should make my Monday awesome.

And if you want to tell me about your general hatred for pretty much anything, comment here in this post. Grumble away. Tell me your sad sad first world story problem. I'm listening.

go f**k yourself
Whoever tells the funniest or heartbreaking-est or dumbest story in the comments section will win this 'go f**k yourself' sampler.

Really, you can write anything. I am easily amused.

This giveaway will last a week, until next Monday. Just make sure that if you enter, you check back, or better yet, message me your email address so that I can let you know you won so I can mail it out to you.


  1. WHAT?? Oh man, I SOOOOO need that!! It's pretty much like it was MADE for me.

    Ok, let's see . . . my current sad state of affairs. Well, the hubs is travelling for "business" (or so he would have me believe) in Brazil for the next 4 days, leaving me at home with the kids, and baseball games/practices, grocery shopping, dinner prep, bedtimes, laundry, dishes and of course my fabulous job thrown into the mix. Yeah, I'm super jazzed about the whole thing, can't you tell? Oh, and did I mention that we have to go to his neice's wedding on Saturday? Yeah, so amongst all this fun extreme bonding time with my children, I will have to find some semblance of time to find a dress/tent to wear over my hugemungous body. So, that should be fun as well. Because I just LOVE shopping for clothes for me.

    Yeah, so obviously you can see that I NEED that prize. Go ahead and just send it on over. You have my addres. ;)

    1. Your story has deeply moved me. Finding a fancy dress to wear is the pits!

  2. I fucking love that and I need it! LOL My story this Monday morning? A certain someone sent me a FB message. And I haven't even touched it. But my adrenaline is so spiked I could run a marathon. Only I don't run. You know what I'm talking about :)

    1. Sheesh. Once you read that message, you better forward it to me.

  3. My monday started at 5am (technically a few minutes before because who needs sleep), Hubs had to work early. So I got up when he did and proceeded to do laundry and dishes, got the kid up at 7, fed and dressed, then walked to school. Got hailed on on the way home (literally minutes away from home). Called to have my tub drain unclogged and they were here from 11 30 to 1 30 with a half hour lunch thrown in. I had 3" of standing nasty water in my tub that I had to clean after they had left with nasty bleachy stuff because I have no idea what was in that water. Trying to sew crap for my mil and ended up cutting some awful fabric wrong so I can't use it for it's intended project. After measuring it twice. Fetched the offspring from school, came home, and guess what? Faced down WALMART! Home now and one of the smoke detectors is beeping in front of the bedroom doors, and I won't be able to get it changed till tomorrow. Also, kid has the start of her 3 day state tests tomorrow. Fork you, Monday!! (I feel better now)

  4. No. "I" need this! My sister and I say this to ourselves all the time because we come from a family of complete cRaZies! Today is my birthday...4/15....turned out to be pretty know, the Boston marathon tragedy that I heard about on the radio as I was driving 50 miles to the grocery store. (yes..I live 50 miles from a forking grocery store!!)

    I have a daughter born on 9/11. As my daughter remarked today..WTF! Are all the birthdays in our family to be marked with terribleness? Oh..and I was also diagnosed with celiac disease two weeks ago, and it seems my 4 offspring likely suffer from it also. Our food supply in this country is poisoning us all!! HOW IRONIC! Me, a champion bread baker from way back, and my husband's favorite food is 'dough.' Well, he is just going to have to be 'doughless' because I'm not cooking twice..once for him and once for me! So...Fork Me!!

  5. So I apparently have this natural distrust for nice people. Who knew?

    I was at my cousin's wedding over the weekend, which also served as a wonderful family reunion. I was dancing with my particularly beautiful, talented and accomplished 20-something young cousin, K, and a young man approached us on the dance floor, with the obvious intent of talking to her. Another of my cousins, M, introduced me to this young man (Let's call him C). C proceeded to say, "Oh... JOHI! M has told me so much about you! It is nice to finally put a name with a face!"

    I thought that this was just far too smooth to be honest, so I squinted my eyes and said, "That's funny. He's never once mentioned YOU."

    Then I smirked and twirled off, for effect.

    I later found out that EVERYONE THAT I KNOW AND LOVE absolutely ADORES C. Apparently, he is all genuine, hard working and nice and shit like that. And I'm an asshole.

    He still got my hot cousin's number, and now I will have a charming story to tell on their wedding day.

    The moral of the story is, even if you are the nicest person in the world, don't be too nice to me because I will not trust you.

    The end.