Wednesday, June 19, 2013

FLOOZY'S MUST-HAVES FOR SUMMER SURVIVAL

I should warn you that I will be writing about how much I hate summer for the next few months. For those of you who love summer, my deepest apologies. I am glad that you like summer. I am relieved that not everybody else shares this crappy feeling.

There are a few things that help me get through the summer. Things that make it much more tolerable. Here are my MUST-HAVES FOR SUMMER SURVIVAL.

#1. PORTABLE EMBROIDERY OR CRAFT PROJECT

I have a tendency to be anti-social. I am very social when I can write to people instead of talk to people. I know a lot of people deplore Facebook, but it keeps me much more connected to the world than I would be if I didn't have daily access to the news of my friends' lives. 

But despite my hikikomori tendencies, I do leave my house quite often. I have found that having a project that I can do with my hands helps me interface with the peoplez. It keeps me occupied and allows me to still carry on conversations with those around me. Somehow it calms down my stress levels. Crocheting is good. Embroidery is good. Cutting up celebrity magazines into teeny tiny pieces is also good. 

If you see a weird lady around Utah County sitting under the shade at a park somewhere, stop and say hi. Or just wave at me if you are anti-social, too. You'll know it's me, because I will be stitching something weird.





#2 PETTIPANTS

Shut up. These are cool.

Plus, they keep you cool, thwart thigh rub, make your skirt not see-through, and prevent you from exposing your granny underwear (that you are wearing under the granny pettipants) should you fall down.



#3 THE IKEA BLUE BAG

There is so much crap to haul around in the summertime if you have kids. These are great for holding beach towels, goggles, sewing projects, and rubber mallets.

#4 A RUBBER MALLET

If you prefer shade, having an umbrella is a must. And to be able to easily hammer an umbrella into the ground, you need a rubber mallet. But I should warn you that not every establishment will allow you to bring a rubber mallet onto their premises. For example, I went to the water park the other day and they confiscated my rubber mallet, in case, and I quote, 'somebody decided to go on a mallet spree.'

Also, it is handy in case you suddenly find yourself in a Warner Bros. cartoon.



#5 AN UMBRELLA

What I said in #4. Don't forget your mallet.


#6 BLACKOUT CURTAINS

I find the sun to be oppressive. Too much of it makes me cranky. I like keeping my room dark and dungeony by using blackout curtains. Plus, it will save you money by reducing your electricity bill.




#7 LADY ANTI-MONKEY BUTT POWDER

My friend Steph introduced me to this miracle product. It absorbs sweat and prevents chafing. Keep a travel-size bottle in your IKEA blue bag next to your rubber mallet.



Use these fine products and it will make your summer less hideously loathsome gawdawful!

What are some of the things that help you get through summer?


14 comments:

  1. That's a nice mallet you've got there.

    I'm sure you hear that all the time.

    A "mallet spree." Oh, for the love of . . .

    Next embroidery project: "Beware, I am about to go on a spree. A mallet spree." Or something.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It needs a picture to go with it! Let me know if you have any ideas!

      Delete
  2. San Diego, which I believe means, A Whale's Vagina. Please don't tell me you already have that embroidered. If you do, let's just go ahead and get married. I don't think my husband will mind.

    On my short list of favorite summer posts.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Holy crap I adore you. Are you for hire as a personal shopper?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes. I am great for Christmas and Bat Mitvahs.

      Delete
  4. person who hates thigh rub and doesn't want to leave her nameJune 19, 2013 at 11:47 AM

    Oh god, I TOTALLY need pettipants. I like going for walks in skirts and the thigh rub on long treks can become unbearable. To avoid it I just wear regular shorts, but the fact is, I HATE shorts and pants and would rather wear a skirt--with pettipants. Where do you buy them?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Whoa. I just realized my link was wrong. Here you go: http://www.overstock.com/Clothing-Shoes/Illusion-Womens-Snip-it-Pettipants-Slip/5880123/product.html

      I have found them all over though. The ones I wear I got at Kohls.

      Delete
  5. Anti-Monkey Butt powder. Why was I not aware of this? Thank you, CF. Also come to SF during the summer. The sun is never shining here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah. A place where the sun never shines. Heavenly.

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  6. Also, I feel like I could have written this post, it just wouldn't have been as funny.

    I too prefer to have a project or a laptop between me and social interaction -- oh and wine, lots of wine.

    Oh and to prevent the dreaded thigh rub, I wear those confining, right under your boob, down to your thigh tummy tuck Asset monstrosities.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love you back.

      And women are supposed to wear large underwear. Caitlin Moran says so.

      Delete
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