Monday, July 1, 2013

In Defense of Miss Utah and All The Other Pretty Girls

Unless you were living under a rock that didn’t have a connection to the Internet last month, you probably saw the video clip of Miss Utah verbally sharting all over the microphone during the interview portion of the Miss America Totally Legit! Scholarship Pageant. It was cringey. It was embarrassing for Utahns. It was embarrassing for humanity. Its awfulness punctuated by the pageant host’s vapid nods of encouragement. NeNe Leakes, Real Housewife of Atlanta, Brainiac Extraordinaire asked this question: “A recent report shows that in 40 percent of American families with children, women are the primary earners, yet they continue to earn less than men. What does this say about society?" 

And here is what Miss Utah answered:

I think we can relate this back to education and how we are continuing to try to strive to figure out how to create jobs, right now, that is the biggest problem I think, especially the men, are, um, seen as the leaders of this, and so we need to try to figure out how to create education better so that we can solve this problem.

Now, this is indeed hilarious. And I am okay with the laughter obviously, or I wouldn’t have embroidered "Create Education Better." But once the laughter turns harpy-cruel or arrogant, then I am not so happy.

Without a doubt Marissa Powell is pretty. I worry about pretty girls such as her. Her whole life she has probably been told over and over again that she is pretty. ‘You are pretty you are pretty you are pretty.’ I don’t think that this can be good for anyone’s brain. Maybe, no one ever told her that she was funny (until recently) or that she was really good at clogging or beatnik poetry. Who knows. 

I look at women like Marissa and see them as victims of a patriarchal society. All those pretty girls were just doing what they were told! They were obedient and they were rewarded for their obedience. Why should we get mad at them now? Even her loose and diarrhetic answer reverberates with patriarchy. “Men, are, um, seen as the leaders of this." Men are the leaders, um, and women are the, um, hot bodies in bikinis, um. 

It’s not always easy being pretty. Society sets low expectations for the pretty girls. Who cares if you suck at basic geography! You’re pretty! Big whoops if you don’t know have a personality! You’re pretty! Personalities are overrated! Now bend over and pick up that peeled grape I dropped!

Maybe it’s easy for the first thirty years or so for a pretty girl, but then beauty fades and aging goes batshit crazy all over your face.

I might be completely wrong about Marissa. She might have a great personality! I don’t know her. Perhaps, she simply suffers from stage fright. Perhaps, if she had been able to write out her answer instead of speaking it, she would have done awesomely. I can’t answer any question very well if I have to do so out loud. Something gets all tangled up in my mind when I try to push my thoughts directly out of my mouth. I much prefer writing over talking. Miss Utah’s answer reminded me of that time I did a video and said, “Alternative crafting is short for alternative crafting.” SAY WHAT. And I am sure that if Marissa and I had freaky-fridayed that night, I would have answered that stupid question this way, “Society bad. Gender inequality bad. More money women GOOD. Pineapple!” 

I wish you the best in life, Marissa. And I think that you should tell everyone that your answer was a well-planned performance art piece condemning patriarchy and bad television. Amen.


  1. Marie, I love your writing and I always LOVE your posts. I read every one of them (but I'm so bad at commenting!) I agree with everything you said in this post. I could not even watch the youtube video of her response without half-covering my ears and closing one of my eyes--just like a really scary movie.

  2. Great post. Pineapple!

    It's all those pretty girls who end up being responsible for all those horny boys' out-of-control sex drives. They're a sisterhood of chewed gum wads - soiled cups - deflowered roses, etc.