Monday, July 15, 2013


My lawn is dead. 

Oh hai, I am The Cotton Floozy's dead lawn.

I am really really dead.

The vinca next to me where the
lawncare guy did not spray is curiously alive. Huh.


I blame a certain company whose identity can only be found on yelp.

If you want to read the whole sad story about MY DEAD LAWN OH WOE!

This is my yelp review.

About four years ago when M_____ was working on my lawn, it died. My lawn is still dead. Dead dead dead. Zero pulse. My lawn couldn't fog a mirror. My lawn will never get to go to prom or go skydiving or watch a Brad Pitt movie. NO. Sadness.  My lawn used to be beautiful and green and meadow-fresh. To keep my lawn healthy, I hired M_____. We set up a payment plan where we would pay M_____ money and then they would send some dude over to our house to stare balefully at our lawn for twenty minutes before spray-hosing it with fertilizer. Our lawn started to brown. We talked to M_____. Hey dudes, it looks like our lawn is browning. No worries. We will take care of it, M_____ said. They came over and looked at it, asked for more money, sprayed it with more crap, and then left. AND THEN OUR LAWN DIED. We called them up, Oh hey, M_____, our lawn is dead; it died on YOUR WATCH. The owner got on the phone with my husband and immediately dropped us as customers when we asked him to fix it, because hey, our lawn died under their care (See above claim in business title: "Lawncare.") The owner said, go away, I am the great and powerful Oz! My husband calmly told the owner that if he did not come and fix our yard, that we would post pictures of our yard all over the city so that people would be forewarned about M____'s Lawndeath Service.

and then.....

AND THEN.........

The owner of M_____ Pest Nursery & Lawndeath threatened to SUE US if we posted any pictures. Best customer service EVER!

So, I am yelping. YELPING.

And lastly, here is a cute picture of my house. Wouldn't my house look so much cuter without a dead lawn?


  1. this review was useful, funny and cool. I said so on yelp.

  2. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    1. Misty gave me some good law advice. So good, in fact that I didn't want anyone else to be privy to it.

  3. Great review. I hope mistyslaws advice works.