Wednesday, July 24, 2013

SpongeBob DoucheCanoe

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
In bubble bath form, makes you burn when you pee!

I have never had a bladder infection before. Until this month. It has taken two rounds of antibiotics and a gyno pelvic exam to clear it up. I am now on topical steroids to relieve the INFLAMMATION OF MY URETHRA (and all surrounding areas, ahem.) 

And sure, a bladder infection can be caused by a lot of things. The stupid summer heat, for example. But I swear, I was doing fine until I used the SpongeBob Wacky Watermelon! Bubble Bath. Now, maybe you are wondering what a grown-up lady-woman like myself is using a SpongeBob bubble bath for? See there on the top where it says, 'Tear-Free' and 'hypoallergenic?' That's why. I am extremely sensitive to beauty and soap products and so I thought that this would be safer than a Bath & Body Works bath gel. I have  had a history of success using baby and children's products on my delicate flower body. A few months ago, I had a dickens of a time getting rid of an eye rash until I started removing my makeup with baby shampoo. Johnson & Johnson baby shampoo is good for face rashes. Fact. 

Unfortunately, I did not read the back label on SpongeBob's SquareButt where it warns about urinary tract irritation. So, my bad.

SpongeBob is a douche canoe.
 (Also, don't douche if you have an inflamed urethra.)

The moral of the story: never let SpongeBob near your delicate lady parts. 

Why do I feel like I am the only person stupid enough not to know this?


  1. so, do you actually take bubble baths, or was the a body wash substitute?

    I still like bubble baths, but I think I'm about the only one.

    (and I will heed your advice about this product.)

  2. I love bubble baths. I prefer baths over showers. Because you can read and control your body temperature and relax. And to all the bath-haters that say bathing is sitting in your own dirty stew, I say phooey! Here, smell me! I smell like a rainbow!

  3. I hate that "baths are just stewing in your own filth" line! First of all, I am rarely filthy, so it's really just stewing in a few hours' worth of Hollyness. What's bad about that?

    Second, if I wanted to clean a really dirty pan, I would soak it for a few hours instead of just spraying it with water, BECAUSE THE SOAKING WORKS BETTER. Seriously: have these people who say that dumb shit never washed dishes? You soak a completely gross lasagna pan over night; in the morning, you lift it out of the water, and it's clean! Sure, you might rinse it off, but the soaking is what gets it clean, not what makes it gross.

    The same goes for a human body. If you're that worried about your own bath cooties, people, just rinse off for 90 seconds before you get out.

    For four years, I lived in an old house with a HUGE, comfortable claw foot bathtub and no shower. It was GREAT.

    1. I am using the lasagna pan analogy from now on. I almost always bathe instead of shower. Taking a shower on a winter morning is an ordeal, but slipping into a bath of hot water, heavenly.