Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Tips for Black Friday Shopping


  1. Before you leave in the morning, temporarily store your soul in a jar, or a “spirit trap,” so that you will not be encumbered by pesky feelings of ethics or societal moral codes. You can create your own spirit trap with either an expensive crystal beveled decanter or a humble mason jar.  
  2. Footwear is extremely important. Wear comfortable shoes that are designed to convert from heels into flats, except wear them as flats only. When some jerkwad gets in your way, take off a shoe, flip open the pointy heel, and brandish it like a switchblade.
  3. It is important to have your hands free, so avoid carrying a clutch or a purse that easily slides off your shoulder. Instead, store your wallet and valuables in a baby sling carrier hidden under a fake baby. 
  4. Carry a small child on your shoulders who can use his little monkey hands to reach the coveted items on tall shelves.
  5. Crowds are a real bother, so easily clear an area of tightly packed people by coughing loudly and chunkily. Soak a surgical paper mask in old tea water and then put it on as directed. To those around you, it will look like you are so sick that your bird flu mucous has soaked through. Have the child who is riding on your shoulders (see Tip 4) spritz random people around you with a spray bottle full of kale juice.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Recipe Cards From The Edge

A domestic viking, I am not. 

Here is a picture of my linen closet as proof. 

Just kidding. That's Monica's secret messy closet. (I am a product of the 90's. And if you don't like Friends, whatever. Could you be any more judgey?)

Okay, here is my linen closet for realsies.

Did you hear that sound? That was the sound of my mother's sharp intake of breath.

Occasionally, I tidy up this closet, mostly because it is right next to the guest bathroom, and when a guest accidentally opens this door, I don't want anyone's headstone to read "death by collapsing towels."

This reminds me of a story. At my junior high graduation program there was a slideshow. Proud parents watched the montage of memorable junior high events. Photo after photo of the popular kids wearing sunglasses and making duck faces. And the occasional photo of the nerdy kids performing in school plays such as, The Hobbit: The Musical! When a photo of someone's incredibly messy locker was shown on the screen, the entire audience laughed. My mom whispered under her breath, "I really hope that's not Marie's locker."

It was my locker.

The rest of my house isn't as bad as the linen closet, but somehow my sofa pillows and quilts are magnetically drawn to the floor.

That banana chair is the coolest and you know it.

Domesticity includes cooking, right? Well, a few months ago, I made another stab at it. And it has been going okay. Mostly because my children have outgrown their Xtreme pickiness. They now eat food. I am not sure what they ate before, but I think it was a combination of dust particles and tenacity.

More importantly, I have tried to stop cooking with cream-of-something soups! I KNOW. It's like at any moment the governor of Utah might send Homeland Security to my door and deport me to Connecticut. 

I have found a few recipe websites that I love, including my sister-in-law's, Culinary Goods. Right now I am infatuated with Mel's Kitchen Cafe. She takes those homey Mormony foods that I love and tweaks them until they are cream-of-caboodle free! For example, she reworks Hawaiian Haystacks. If you don't know what Hawaiian Haystacks are, you are probably not from Utah, but it is this bizarre food creation where you begin with white rice, and then you add everything weird you can think of, traditionally: pineapple tidbits, olives, coconut, grated cheese, almonds, onions, and CHOW MEIN NOODLES. And then it is all mortared together with a sauce made out of cream of chicken soup and sour cream.

HAWAIIAN HAYSTACKS. Click here for the recipe!

Are you okay? Do you need to sit down on my banana chair and take a moment? Oh, you are heading to the bathroom to vomit? DON'T OPEN THAT DOOR IT'S MY LINEN CLOSET.