Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Recipe Cards From The Edge

A domestic viking, I am not. 

Here is a picture of my linen closet as proof. 

Just kidding. That's Monica's secret messy closet. (I am a product of the 90's. And if you don't like Friends, whatever. Could you be any more judgey?)

Okay, here is my linen closet for realsies.

Did you hear that sound? That was the sound of my mother's sharp intake of breath.

Occasionally, I tidy up this closet, mostly because it is right next to the guest bathroom, and when a guest accidentally opens this door, I don't want anyone's headstone to read "death by collapsing towels."

This reminds me of a story. At my junior high graduation program there was a slideshow. Proud parents watched the montage of memorable junior high events. Photo after photo of the popular kids wearing sunglasses and making duck faces. And the occasional photo of the nerdy kids performing in school plays such as, The Hobbit: The Musical! When a photo of someone's incredibly messy locker was shown on the screen, the entire audience laughed. My mom whispered under her breath, "I really hope that's not Marie's locker."

It was my locker.

The rest of my house isn't as bad as the linen closet, but somehow my sofa pillows and quilts are magnetically drawn to the floor.

That banana chair is the coolest and you know it.

Domesticity includes cooking, right? Well, a few months ago, I made another stab at it. And it has been going okay. Mostly because my children have outgrown their Xtreme pickiness. They now eat food. I am not sure what they ate before, but I think it was a combination of dust particles and tenacity.

More importantly, I have tried to stop cooking with cream-of-something soups! I KNOW. It's like at any moment the governor of Utah might send Homeland Security to my door and deport me to Connecticut. 

I have found a few recipe websites that I love, including my sister-in-law's, Culinary Goods. Right now I am infatuated with Mel's Kitchen Cafe. She takes those homey Mormony foods that I love and tweaks them until they are cream-of-caboodle free! For example, she reworks Hawaiian Haystacks. If you don't know what Hawaiian Haystacks are, you are probably not from Utah, but it is this bizarre food creation where you begin with white rice, and then you add everything weird you can think of, traditionally: pineapple tidbits, olives, coconut, grated cheese, almonds, onions, and CHOW MEIN NOODLES. And then it is all mortared together with a sauce made out of cream of chicken soup and sour cream.

HAWAIIAN HAYSTACKS. Click here for the recipe!

Are you okay? Do you need to sit down on my banana chair and take a moment? Oh, you are heading to the bathroom to vomit? DON'T OPEN THAT DOOR IT'S MY LINEN CLOSET.


  1. That sound you just heard? That was me fainting dead on the floor. Luckily, there were some nice pillows and blankets there to cushion my fall. So, um, thanks?

    Don't tell me that people actually EAT that concoction. How do you survive it, Marie? I mean . . . how to you thrive under all that mormonness?

    (Please don't take that as religious persecution, or anything. You said it was a Mormony recipe, is all. Don't hate me, k?).

    1. I think that dissing Hawaiian Haystacks is HAWAIIAN PERSECUTION ALOHA.

  2. When you are deported to Connecticut, you can live with me.

    1. And I will visit! Or you can all come sit in my craft office and drink teas and eat delicious foods from the restaurant 10 feet away...

  3. I heart you and I Xtreme shared you on the still-yet-to-be-published wrap up I'm working on at this very moment.

    That's is all. Oh, except I hope there was a song about hair removal for hobbit feet. That wold have been the comic relief in The Hobbit: The Musical! Obvs.

    PS--I know how to fold fitted sheets so they lay flat. Like I'm mother effn' Martha Stewart. But my linen closet is still a disaster.

  4. Whoa - how did you do that? From linen closets gone bad to disappointed mothers to cream-of-caboodle soups? This might be the BEST random stream-of-consciousness post I've ever read. Why are we not already friends? For realsies? I like you. (Thanks for sending me here, Nicole!)

    1. I like you back! And your name and picture WIN THE INTERNET.