TIPS FOR BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPING
- Before you leave in the morning, temporarily store your soul in a jar, or a “spirit trap,” so that you will not be encumbered by pesky feelings of ethics or societal moral codes. You can create your own spirit trap with either an expensive crystal beveled decanter or a humble mason jar.
- Footwear is extremely important. Wear comfortable shoes that are designed to convert from heels into flats, except wear them as flats only. When some jerkwad gets in your way, take off a shoe, flip open the pointy heel, and brandish it like a switchblade.
- It is important to have your hands free, so avoid carrying a clutch or a purse that easily slides off your shoulder. Instead, store your wallet and valuables in a baby sling carrier hidden under a fake baby.
- Carry a small child on your shoulders who can use his little monkey hands to reach the coveted items on tall shelves.
- Crowds are a real bother, so easily clear an area of tightly packed people by coughing loudly and chunkily. Soak a surgical paper mask in old tea water and then put it on as directed. To those around you, it will look like you are so sick that your bird flu mucous has soaked through. Have the child who is riding on your shoulders (see Tip 4) spritz random people around you with a spray bottle full of kale juice.