Wednesday, December 18, 2013

MYSTERY TONGS and a DECEMBER RECAPORAMA

Mother Nature is a skank ho' bitch.
--Shakespeare

Because I hate summertime so much, I feel like I can't complain about winter. I like winter, for the most part. Except when there is a snowstorm and I have to drive somewhere. And then I freak out. Mr. Floozy was out of town in early December and missed the ginormous storm that blew in and dumped a sleigh-wad of snow on my driveway. Which is fine, sure, except that my snowblower was broken and I couldn't get out of my house to SAVE MY CHILDREN. The school buses weren't able to make it up the mountain, so I had to rely on the kindness of neighbors and family members to get my kids home. I know a lot of nice people.

That was not a fun day.

After that zodawful snowstorm, Utah dropped to frigid levels and stayed that way for weeks and weeks. Most of the time the temperature lingered in the single digits and occasionally dipped into the negatives. I did not mind it. What I did mind was that my teenage daughter refused to wear a winter coat. What the! I told my mom about this ongoing battle I have with my daughter and she laughed and said that I deserved it because I refused to wear a winter coat when I was a teenager. And so the cycle of voluntary coatlessness continues....

December has been a good month for my subversive embroidery business, so if you have bought something, thank you! Because of your money, I was able to replace my old fire-happy microwave with a new one.


I have also spent this month socializing with friends. Which is good for me, because sometimes I go all Ted Kaczynski and hole up in my bedroom dressed only in flannel and unsupportive underwear, writing manifestos about the evils of above-the-rim milkshakes that ARE NOT MILKSHAKES. Milkshakes are meant to be milky enough to suck up through a straw! Not to be eaten with a spoon! Not to be so thick that they can casually hang out two inches above the edge of the cup!


The Cotton Floozy's Milkshake Manifesto
1. The Milkshake Revolution and its consequences have been a disaster
   for the human race. They have greatly increased the frozen-expectancy of
   those of us who live in "advanced ice cream" countries, but they have
   destabilized society, have made life unfulfilling, have subjected
   human beings to indignities, have led to widespread psychological
   suffering and have inflicted severe damage on the natural world. 


Socializing with friends has resulted in a few precious moments that I would like to share with you.

This precious moment.

And this one.

Those are a few photos of me using the new Christmas gift that I got at a White Elephant party. Even the giver of the gift did not know what this thingey was, except that it was from Korea and that he brought it back from his Mormon mission many years ago. 

Okay, seriously! What is the usage of these mystery tongs? 

very pretty pastels

reasons for golfball-like dents unknown

"Made in Korea"

As I demonstrated in the photos, I think that this is a personal back massager. It actually felt pretty good when I thumped it on my back.

There are so many possibilities, though, that I can't rule any of them out. Is this thing used for picking up mini-golfballs? Or for gently catapulting ladybugs away from the garden? Or to be shaken as a musical instrument? Tell me what this weird contraption is! If it does indeed turn out to be a musical instrument,  I plan on using the mystery tongs as maracas when I exercise to Miranda Hart's new exercise video "MARACATTACK.



This looks like the only exercise video that I would ever be willing to do. Please please please watch the video. It involves Miranda eating cheetos off of a moving treadmill. Need I say more?

If you can tell me what these mystery tongs are for, you win a pretty prize. I am not sure yet what the prize will be, but it will be awesome. And no, I am not giving away the mystery tongs. Those are mine for keepsies.


6 comments:

  1. I don't know for sure, but I'm going to have to assume that one usually finds it in a proctologist's office and is used on men's parts when they run out of protective gloves. Yep, that's what I'm going with. Cough.

    And for some reason, I REALLY need a Blizzard right now. Manifesto be damned!! That looks sooooooo good!

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    Replies
    1. That is an over-the-rim shake from Arctic Circle. Which is fine, if you are ordering ICE CREAM.

      And you should probably know that I am not a fan of ice cream because it is too thick. Can we still be friends?

      Delete
  2. I totally want ice cream now. And a milkshake too. Also Cheetos. And the the puffy kind that Miranda eats off her treadmill. Not the shriveled up hard ones.

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  3. For the record, the double "thes" above were totally on purpose on account of I was so excited.

    ReplyDelete