Friday, August 30, 2013

Why yes, I do have an Etsy store. Thank you for asking.

I am having a Labor Day sale on my Etsy! Just put in the coupon code "LABORDAY" for 20% off. This sale will last until next Friday, September something. I don't have a calendar near me.

Here is the link -->> The Cotton Floozy's Etsy store of Fantabulousness.


Thursday, August 22, 2013

Hello, Empty House, My Old Friend



THREE WAYS I know that summer is pretty much over:

NUMBER ONE:

Duh, my kids are all in school. Do you hear that? That sound? That is the sound of a very gentle folk song by Simon and Garfunkel playing through my mind.

NUMBER TWO:

I turned on the television. I have a complete aversion to watching TV during the summer. I don't know why. It drives me bonkers. I don't even watch Netflix. But my summer blues must be dwindling since I sat down and turned on the morning news yesterday. Okay, that was a bad decision. But a good decision was to watch the entire season of Orange is The New Black in two sittings. 

Instead of reading, I hooked up my iPad to Audible. I spent the summer stitching while listening to the audiobooks of the Dresden Files. I have read all of the books, but it was fun 're-reading' them. The books are read by James Marsters. As in JAMES MARSTERS THE ACTOR THAT PLAYED SPIKE IN BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER EXCLAMATION POINT. Marsters did a decent job narrating the first three books, but by book four, he was amazing. I am now on book ten, and holy Gachnar, he is terrific. His voice is Harry Dresden's voice. And when he acts out Bob the Skull with his snarky British accent, he sounds exactly like Spike!

Even though I haven't been watching TV, my kids have. Or rather, just Netflix, since we canceled cable. My youngest daughter loves Buffy the Vampire Slayer and I'll poke my head into the room whenever I hear Spike's voice. 

I witnessed this classic scene.

Buffy: What are you doing here? Five words or less.

Spike: Out. For. A. Walk. ... Bitch.


Spike! James Marsters! Harry Dresden! I need a life!

NUMBER THREE:

I am starting to cook food again, or at least, consider cooking food again. In the summer, I hate cooking. Or more like, I am physically unable to cook because every time my arm lifts up a spatula, my left eyelid droops and I have to take a nap. 

I am really good at assembling food. Utah finally has a Trader Joe's and it's only an hour away! I take my freezer bags and stock up. Falafel and fettuccine and gyoza. Delicious.

When I don't have any frozen food to assemble for my sad and hungry family, I make grilled cheese sandwiches, cheese quesadillas, or cheese nachos. You get the idea.

My husband is an excellent cook (when he has time or isn't traveling), but he mostly makes breakfast foods that we eat at dinner time. From-scratch waffles and pannekoeken and crepes. I think that maybe twice in our lives we have fed our children breakfast before 11:00 am. A few weeks ago, I asked my daughter if she wanted me to make her pancakes for lunch. She looked at me, puzzled, "Isn't that more of a dinner food?"

Right now I am looking at recipes and getting excited to cook. I do this every year. It lasts until mid-October. 

But indulge me. Let's pretend that I really will start cooking in earnest for my family. What are some good ideas? Here's the thing: I don't like touching meat. I'm not a vegetarian, but if a recipe calls for drenching chicken breasts in buttermilk and then rolling them in bread crumbs, I won't make it. Because it involves touching something icky. I think that this year I will be more successful if I stick to vegetarian recipes. Or mostly vegetarian.  I don't mind adding chicken stock to soups or bacon to potatoes. 

Do any of you have recipe sites you love? Or recipes. Preferably recipes that don't involve me touching anything icky? I need help. Or maybe gloves.

But oh well, if I fail, I always have Trader Joe's. Only an hour away.  

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Being apart is stupid.

Hello, new people! If you are new to this site because you picked up my card at my Craft Lake City booth, message me* if you would like a custom order or if you just want to talk about life or waffles or body lint. 

And to the trio of cool kids who are giving the Create Education Better sampler to their friend, Miss Utah: let me know how that goes. Tell her I want to take her out to lunch and get her fat.

Hello, old people. (You know who you are.) Hi. I like you.

It's that time of year again! It smells like magic and sharpened pencils and 3-feet long Target receipts. Back to schooooool! 

This morning I dropped my son off at his special nerd school. It was his first day of high school. Even typing that sentence chokes me up. Man, I need to get a grip. Such a great kid. He has mummy-wrapped himself in the cliche that kids grow up too fast.

My girls start next week. I have given up any pretense of making their summer meaningful. Right now my youngest has a glazed-over expression on her face while she is playing Skrim. The other is in her room watching Adventure Time on Netflix. If you clap your hands two inches from their faces, you might get the trace of a flinch.

One of my daughters is starting 5th grade and the other is starting junior high. Junior high is unequivocally awful and I would body-swap her in a second if it meant that she didn't have to go through that. Hopefully, I can help her deal with the daily pain of being mindfooked by little 7th grade bitches. 

Meanwhile, my husband is in Brazil. Which sucks. Not that Brazil necessarily sucks, but that not having him home for this intense week of emotional cheerleading, sucks. That last sentence sucked. But I am simply too unmotivated to rewrite clunky sentences.

My first custom order from a Craft Lake City attendee** sums up my feelings nicely.

Being apart is stupid.


* thecottonfloozy@gmail.com
** Natalie Anonymous Last Name


Friday, August 9, 2013

Today's forecast: hot and crafty!

The magazine did come out and I like it! No space sluggish resemblance. 

Click here for my face in your face.

Besides the online version, 30,000 physically-occupying-space magazines are printed and distributed throughout Utah. And check out the cover. Is awesomest cover ever known to man and space slug.


Visit me today from 5-10 or tomorrow from noon - 10 at Craft Lake City. I will be the lady behind all of the weird embroideries sweating like a glazed ham.


Monday, August 5, 2013

YOU GET FORK-STABBED!

My high school reunion is coming up. The Twenty Freaking Years one. I haven't gone to any of my other high school reunions. Reunions scare me. And I hate being asked the question, "What do you do?" Is there an actual answer for that? What do I do? I cut my toenails when they get too long. I watch this thing called television. I dress up my dogs in adorable outfits. I shoot babies out of my vagina. That's what I do. Do you want to see the pictures?

And women get weird about the "what do you do?" question. Are you a stay-at-home-mom? do you work? WHAT DO YOU DO WITH YOUR KIDS IF YOU WORK? 

Stop. 

Why do people ask that? Like, the mother hasn't already thought through this problem? Huh. I am going to work and my kid can't be left alone in the house with a sleeve of crackers and a hamster cage water bottle. Huh. I should probably figure something out before I go to the office tomorrow.

And heaven forbid! if you don't have kids or aren't married, or if you are married but in the gay way. 

I feel bad for the men, too. Kind of. Okay, only the gay men who aren't out of the closet.  

Maybe before the Interwebs, high school reunions were really fun and satisfying, but I am still friends with the people I liked in high school. Even some of my favorite teachers. Thank you, Facebook! 

Soooo, I probably am not going to the high school reunion even though I belong to the Facebook group. My friend Stephanie posted this on their wall: 

"Hmmmm, I'm going to have to think about coming to this and get back to you..........

Okay, I thought about it and yeah ........ No." 

Reunions! Such a minefield of awkwardness and emotional trauma! Yespleasenothankyou!

One of the coolest people I know, Ashley McStinkerson, posted this photo on Facebook the other day with the caption, "Headed to Jordan's 10 year reunion as his Ukrainian mail order bride."



I am still laughing.

still laughing

laughing

realizing that the word "laugh" is really weird and that phonics does not make sense.

Is this not the funniest picture/story ever?!? The whole night Ashley went around saying, "He givva me smart phone and car and two babies." The McStinkersons should win the Noble Prize for Best High School Reunion Oneupmanship. 

Another example of their brilliance -- a few Halloweens ago -- they dressed up as the McPoyles for a costume party. 




Read their blog post about it. The funny.

Ashley and Jordan? I got arrested while trying to steal a nobel prize medal, so I made this for you instead.


YOU GET FORK-STABBED!

Friday, August 2, 2013

Kitchen tables are for crafting, not eating. Not that you would *eat* a kitchen table. But still. You get my point.

My kitchen table is buried under all of my crafting supplies. For the next week I am stitching my little fingers off in preparation for CRAFT LAKE CITY!




If you live in a Utah or one state away from Utah, you should go to this! Seriously. It is the coolest craft festival ever. Craft Lake City features a great selection of artists and alternative crafters. And I will be there and you should say hi to me and offer me a spoonful of your snow cone. 

MEANWHILE....

My kitchen table is crowded with embroidery hoops and lace and picture frames and twenty million of those glue gun strings. From here on out my kids will be forced to eat standing up to the countertop. Who needs a kitchen table when you can stand next to the stovetop while eating a burger king burger?!?

Here are some pics of my table:












I hope to see you at CRAFT LAKE CITY! If you have any questions about it, don't hesitate to email me at thecottonfloozy[at]gmail[dot]com!