Wednesday, December 18, 2013

MYSTERY TONGS and a DECEMBER RECAPORAMA

Mother Nature is a skank ho' bitch.
--Shakespeare

Because I hate summertime so much, I feel like I can't complain about winter. I like winter, for the most part. Except when there is a snowstorm and I have to drive somewhere. And then I freak out. Mr. Floozy was out of town in early December and missed the ginormous storm that blew in and dumped a sleigh-wad of snow on my driveway. Which is fine, sure, except that my snowblower was broken and I couldn't get out of my house to SAVE MY CHILDREN. The school buses weren't able to make it up the mountain, so I had to rely on the kindness of neighbors and family members to get my kids home. I know a lot of nice people.

That was not a fun day.

After that zodawful snowstorm, Utah dropped to frigid levels and stayed that way for weeks and weeks. Most of the time the temperature lingered in the single digits and occasionally dipped into the negatives. I did not mind it. What I did mind was that my teenage daughter refused to wear a winter coat. What the! I told my mom about this ongoing battle I have with my daughter and she laughed and said that I deserved it because I refused to wear a winter coat when I was a teenager. And so the cycle of voluntary coatlessness continues....

December has been a good month for my subversive embroidery business, so if you have bought something, thank you! Because of your money, I was able to replace my old fire-happy microwave with a new one.


I have also spent this month socializing with friends. Which is good for me, because sometimes I go all Ted Kaczynski and hole up in my bedroom dressed only in flannel and unsupportive underwear, writing manifestos about the evils of above-the-rim milkshakes that ARE NOT MILKSHAKES. Milkshakes are meant to be milky enough to suck up through a straw! Not to be eaten with a spoon! Not to be so thick that they can casually hang out two inches above the edge of the cup!


The Cotton Floozy's Milkshake Manifesto
1. The Milkshake Revolution and its consequences have been a disaster
   for the human race. They have greatly increased the frozen-expectancy of
   those of us who live in "advanced ice cream" countries, but they have
   destabilized society, have made life unfulfilling, have subjected
   human beings to indignities, have led to widespread psychological
   suffering and have inflicted severe damage on the natural world. 


Socializing with friends has resulted in a few precious moments that I would like to share with you.

This precious moment.

And this one.

Those are a few photos of me using the new Christmas gift that I got at a White Elephant party. Even the giver of the gift did not know what this thingey was, except that it was from Korea and that he brought it back from his Mormon mission many years ago. 

Okay, seriously! What is the usage of these mystery tongs? 

very pretty pastels

reasons for golfball-like dents unknown

"Made in Korea"

As I demonstrated in the photos, I think that this is a personal back massager. It actually felt pretty good when I thumped it on my back.

There are so many possibilities, though, that I can't rule any of them out. Is this thing used for picking up mini-golfballs? Or for gently catapulting ladybugs away from the garden? Or to be shaken as a musical instrument? Tell me what this weird contraption is! If it does indeed turn out to be a musical instrument,  I plan on using the mystery tongs as maracas when I exercise to Miranda Hart's new exercise video "MARACATTACK.



This looks like the only exercise video that I would ever be willing to do. Please please please watch the video. It involves Miranda eating cheetos off of a moving treadmill. Need I say more?

If you can tell me what these mystery tongs are for, you win a pretty prize. I am not sure yet what the prize will be, but it will be awesome. And no, I am not giving away the mystery tongs. Those are mine for keepsies.


Wednesday, December 4, 2013

The Inside Part

A lot of my friends don't like Christmas, and I get that. I personally love Christmas but only because I have good memory associations with it. As long as I don't spend any time in a Wal-mart (or Val-de-mart, as I like to call it) in December, I think that I can continue to love Christmas.


Oh hey, look. I can spell my store name correctly.

And I love selling my crafts at Christmas. This photo was taken last Sunday at Craft Sabbath by Ai Levy. She has a beautiful blog called Textile Tree. It’s in Japanese, but Google can (kind of) translate it for you. 


Things were a bit slow last Sunday, but I met and talked to a lot of really cool people. I love it when someone finds my booth and knows all of the nerdy pop culture references. If you visited me last Sunday, thank you! Let's be friends.


Except for you, Mrs. Weird Lady. 


Mrs. Weird Lady wanted to buy one of my frames if she could take out "the inside part," meaning the hand embroideries. Uh, what what. She couldn't understand that I was not just a store that sold picture frames. She held a picture of her baby son next to every frame to see "which one fit." I'm like, sure you can buy a frame and give me my embroidery back if you pay full price, but why don't you just go to a store and buy an empty picture frame. Derp! 

Right now I am swamped making embroideries for the December 8th Craft Sabbath and custom orders so my Etsy is sad and bare. I should be able to restock it next week. So instead of linking to my own shiz, I would like to share with you the stores of some of my favorite fellow crafters and artists. 


Please let me know your business website (if you are small and not pervy) and I will post it here. 

Shop small businesses!



Where I got my cool necklace and chalkboard sign up thar in that photo of me at Craft Sabbath. Jennifer is my craft festival buddy and we often carpool and talk talk talk. Her stuff is as cool as she is.

I adore Nicole Maki and her art. I have two of her mixed media collages in my house. Also, I like to be annoying and tell everybody how Nicole once went out on a date with David Duchovny many years ago when they both lived in Canada. 

I now own a kabillion zillion of Shantel's beautiful scarves.

I met the owners of Peck’s Vanilla at a Craft Lake City mingle party. They are the ones who gave me the great stitchable quote, “I love not camping.” I love love love their vanilla and vanilla sugar. We are breakfast-for-every-meal-of-the-day people, so we sprinkle the vanilla sugar on everything: waffles, crepes, buttered toast, etc.

I would consider piercing my ears just to wear her bitchin’ earrings.

Eerily beautiful prints. And Desarae in person is a delight. True story: We once took turns holding a flashlight while the other person peed in a port-a-potty, so basically, we are bonded for life.

I love Sarah. I own a few of her things and she owns a few of mine. Someday we will meet in real life! 

We did a trade a few months ago. She got a Jack Skellington embroidery and I got an inspirational print of her altered landscape painting SHARKNADO.

for all of your Harry Potter quilt needs.

Be prepared for the adorable. Are you prepared for the adorable? Then go ahead and click the link.

Amazing historically accurate clothing and accessories

Seriously. Love. Words. No can express.

You know you need a mini terrarium full of crocheted mushrooms.

I am addicted to chapstick and currently my favorite is the Spotted Hippo’s grapefruit lip balm.

Awesome crochet hats, scarves, and blankets. And the prices are ridiculously affordable!

The owner is having a baby soon so you should buy something because you don’t hate babies.

Pretty much all of my friends (and me) own a shirt by Sorry Clementine. Cute and comfortable.

I am so blown away by this store. The Patrick Stewart cross stitch makes me dizzy with its awesome.