Friday, January 17, 2014

Things I Found While Cleaning Out my Refrigerator

Things I Found While Cleaning Out my Refrigerator:

1.  The obligatory takeout box of old Chinese food which is magical and omnipresent and exists in multiple universes. Whenever someone removes an old Chinese food takeout box, an exact replica suddenly appears in someone else's refrigerator.

2. A ziplock bag with a brick of mystery cheese. Origin known: Costco.

3. 20,000 bottles of expired condiments. Okay, maybe I am exaggerating a little bit. 11,000 bottles of expired condiments, including something called "fish sauce" (WTF?).

4. Mummified baby carrots. The temperature and dryness of my fridge perfectly embalms the carrots' features into shriveled little death masks. So adorable!

5. Zuul, refrigerator demon and beauty consultant.  

6. That bag of kale from the time I actually believed that I was the sort of person who would eat kale. Did you know that your bag of kale should not make sloshy noises when shaken?

7. Leftovers. Many many tupperware containers of leftovers, because leftovers are for peasants.

8. A small bowl fuzzed over with what appears to be the beginning growth of chia seeds. Cha cha cha chIam so scared.

9. I am not telling you about any beverages I found because you will judge me.

10. A portal to Gwyneth Paltrow's mind. I had never dreamed that such darkness existed!