Friday, January 17, 2014

Things I Found While Cleaning Out my Refrigerator

Things I Found While Cleaning Out my Refrigerator:

1.  The obligatory takeout box of old Chinese food which is magical and omnipresent and exists in multiple universes. Whenever someone removes an old Chinese food takeout box, an exact replica suddenly appears in someone else's refrigerator.

2. A ziplock bag with a brick of mystery cheese. Origin known: Costco.

3. 20,000 bottles of expired condiments. Okay, maybe I am exaggerating a little bit. 11,000 bottles of expired condiments, including something called "fish sauce" (WTF?).

4. Mummified baby carrots. The temperature and dryness of my fridge perfectly embalms the carrots' features into shriveled little death masks. So adorable!

5. Zuul, refrigerator demon and beauty consultant.  

6. That bag of kale from the time I actually believed that I was the sort of person who would eat kale. Did you know that your bag of kale should not make sloshy noises when shaken?

7. Leftovers. Many many tupperware containers of leftovers, because leftovers are for peasants.

8. A small bowl fuzzed over with what appears to be the beginning growth of chia seeds. Cha cha cha chIam so scared.

9. I am not telling you about any beverages I found because you will judge me.

10. A portal to Gwyneth Paltrow's mind. I had never dreamed that such darkness existed!


  1. So that is where that Chinese food is coming from! We haven't had any in months, and yet it keeps appearing! Also, what is it with baby carrots? Why do they never get eaten?! We always seem to have one really old container of yogurt hiding, as well.

  2. I need a refrigerator with a Paltrow portal on the off chance that I can see naked Iron Man.

  3. Just checked. Your Chinese take-out is now in my fridge.

    1. Oh good, but you should watch out for the green moldy bits. They are not delicious.

  4. Oh, Cotton Floozy, I would never judge you on account of the beverages in your fridge ... unless said beverages include watery, mass-produced beer in cans. As a craft beer lover, the presence of cheap beer would be unforgivable in my eyes.

    As for the moldy chia seeds and slooshy kale, do you compost? Spoiled produce is perfect for the compost pile.

    1. I live in Utah County, Ahab, so the beverages in my fridge remain anonymous **cough** local craft wheat beverage **cough.**

  5. Replies
    1. Oh, and thanks for the sentient robot discrimination, spam comment filter.

    2. Someone should create a Zuul Chia pet and by that I mean a Sigourney Weaver chia pet.