Friday, April 25, 2014

Gay Man or Mother Who Has An Inappropriate Relationship With Her Son? The Party Game!

Yesterday my friend pointed out this insanely helpful article from a 1970's Cosmo mag. 

things to do with your hands that men like

Click on the image if you can't read it because you are old and/or a raccoon.
I don't think that this was written by an ordinary heterosexual cosmopolitan woman. No. And to demonstrate, I have made a little game that would be great for parties. You simply read off each sentence of the article and ask, "Gay Man or Mother Who has an Inappropriate Relationship with Her Son?"

Here are a few examples with my answer in italics.

"Pat his stomach and ask if there's any movement."
Answer: Mother Who has an Inappropriate Relationship with Her Son

"Smash his goblet in the fireplace." 
Answer: Gay Man

"Hand his orange juice to him while he's toweling after the shower."
Answer: Inappropriate Mother

"Frolic in his chest hair."
Answer: Gay Man

"Rub baby oil into his entire body after a shower."
Answer: Inappropriate Mother

"Tie him up and tickle him."
Answer: Inappropriate Mother

"Make a sandwich out of him and two pillows. Your feast."
Answer: Gay Man

"Shake hands with his ex-wife."
Answer: Gay Man

"Bring his daily vitamin to him with water in a crystal glass."
Answer: Inappropriate Mother

"Immerse him in a warm tub in the middle of Sunday afternoon and play geisha."
Answer: Gay Man

"Dangle grapes over his mouth. Feed him one at a time."
Answer: Inappropriate Mother

Print out a copy of this photo and use it as a conversation starter. Tell me your favorite and if you think it was written by a Gay Man or a Mother Who has an Inappropriate Relationship with Her Son? OR BOTH.

Thursday, April 17, 2014



I live in the mountains. Smack dab in capital N Nature. And Nature is dirty. Especially during Mud Season, which is a mini season between every-regularly-scheduled-program season. Every time we took our dogs for a walk, we had to throw them in the bathtub to de-Nature them. Also, I should admit right now that I am lazy. So, because of the mud and my inherent laziness, I came up with a DIY porch potty for my dogs to do their bizness. We put the porch potty on the deck and added a doggie flap to our deck door. LAZY.

Perhaps sometimes you feel lazy, too. If so, follow these simple instructions.


Cutting shears
Pocket knife
Tape of any kind
Kitty litter

Notes: you can find a washing machine pan at your local home improvement store for about $20. Amazon sells artificial grass that comes in 3' x 3' sizes for $32. I like to use a really outdoorsy scented kitty litter made from cedar or pine.

1. Measure the grass to the same dimensions as the washing machine pan. To mark it, tear off strips of tape and place it on the back of the grass mat as a cutting guide.

2. Cut the grass using your shears.

3. Poke a lot of holes into the rubber backing of the grass mat with a pocket knife. The grass should already have a few holes, but to better drain, it's a good idea to err on the side of too many holes, rather than too little.

4. You are ready to assemble! Fill the washing machine pan with kitty litter. You want it a few inches deep. Place the grass on top of the kitty litter.

Hints: To clean the grass, rinse it off periodically with a hose in the summer. In the winter, you can keep it clean longer by regularly spritzing it with a spray bottle full of vodka (yes, I said vodka. It's a wonder cleaner). When it really needs to be rinsed, clean it in the shower or utility sink. Regularly clean the kitty litter just like you would for a cat. Scoop out the clumps and replace the entire litter when necessary. 

There! Now you can be lazy like me. 

Monday, April 14, 2014

That Time I Filled in My 7th Grade Daughter's Goal Setting Page at Parent Teacher Conference For Her:

Goal Setting
Spartan Target Conferences

After reviewing my learning targets, assessments, and report card, my academic or behavioral goal is . . .

. . . to turn in my assignments.

Steps I will take to achieve my goal:

1. I will make sure that I finish and complete my homework assignments while in the corporeal plane and not from my astral body which sits nightly, lotus-position, on an icy cliff top of Nanga Parbat in the Himalayas.

2. After I finish my homework, I won't leave it at home, even if that means inventing a time machine, going back in time to the morning the assignment is due, reminding my past self not to forget to put the assignment in my backpack, being careful not to scare my past self, lest I create a time paradox and a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space-time continuum and destroy the entire universe.

3. Once I am at school with the actual physical incarnation of my homework assignment in my hands, I will adopt a British accent and a humble mien and fall upon my knees in front of my teacher, imploring her to take the assignment from my outstretched fingers, promising her fresh flower wreaths and gold-foiled chocolates if she grades my homework with benevolence and a sparing red pen, thus harkening to the bowels of her everlasting mercy, amen.