Friday, August 22, 2014

Andre the Giant doesn't care if you obey the ice bucket challenge or not.

Obey. Or not.


Everybody is doing the ice bucket challenge. And honestly, I think it's great. That doesn't mean that you have to do it, too, to fit in with the cool kids like Amanda Palmer and Weird Al. (Hmmm. My idea of "cool kids" might be different from the norm.)

One of my friends has epilepsy. She probably won't be doing the ice bucket challenge. My mom is in remission from cancer. She is going to skip it, too. A lot of people suffer from severe public-embarrassment allergies. Which is what I have. The idea of filming myself being doused in ice water makes me mildly, meekly FREAK THE EFF OUT. That doesn't mean that I don't enjoy watching you being doused with a bucket of ice water. I enjoy watching your humiliation *immensely." 

Here is my introvert-approved ice bucket challenge. I sit down on a computer, log onto alsa.org and donate some money to the cause. I can choose whatever amount I like. I don't have only two choices. It doesn't have to be either $10 or $100. Maybe I'll choose $32! or $300,200! At this point, I would like all of you to focus your magical energies on me actually having $300,200 dollars. Thank you. Point is, you can feel just as good and less wet by sitting down and donating money on the internet. You don't even have to put pants on. (If you are going to film the actual ice bucket challenge, please wear pants. Except for you Alexander Skarsgård. Mrrrreow.)

Here's the thing. My grandma died of ALS. It was not a fun way to go. She sat there paralyzed, not able to talk or communicate. She was completely aware, but unable to say, hey! stop arguing about politics! Or, you there! I wanted a chocolate milkshake, not this lame vanilla crap! 

Eventually, she stopped being able to swallow or breathe and she died in the hospital. Really, not a fun way to go.

Now, to cheer myself up, I am trying to think of a fun way to go. Maybe a quick painless decapitation from the sword of your enemy while you're chest-deep in pirate gold? Or being split in half instantaneously when out of nowhere a giant dome comes down over half of you and all of your town? Or croaking while being loved to death by a succubus? I really need to take a break from reading ridiculous novels.

There's no need to trash talk the bucket challenge. A gentle snarking is fine, but don't go Matt Walsh all over it. It's just a fun fad. A YouTube sensation. (Please, Lord, let me never be a YouTube sensation, amen.) If someone challenges you and you don't want to do it, say NO. If you don't want to donate money, or much more likely, can't afford to donate money, don't worry about it. Lou Gehrig absolves you. The pressure reminds me of those chain letters from the 80's, where if you didn't forward the chain letter to ten people, you would be cursed blind and fall down a well.  

Go ahead and dump a bucket over your head. Or not. Go ahead and donate money. Or not. Just don't be a dick.

6 comments:

  1. My hubs and I have decided that if I get nominated, I'll just donate money. I think a freezing cold shock to my system might not be the best thing for the baby. Plus, I have a nasty sinus infection. All of these are no bueno. My hubs and son have taken the challenge. I think we've run out of people in our fam to nominate, so I'm sure someone will think of me eventually. I do not, however, have $300,200. Sorry.

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    1. The fact that anyone in your family has done it is amazing. That's called "taking one for the team."

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  2. I'm just gonna comment on this pant-less Alexander Skarsgård thing. I'm not so sure _any_ man is going to look all that flattering in the ol' pants covering region when doused by cold water. Unless it's Ken. Then it's probably a wash either way.

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    1. hahaha! I hadn't thought of that!

      .....

      Still laughing.

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  3. Don't ever stop reading ridiculous novels.

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    1. I don't feel like I could stop even if I wanted to.

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